BOB DYLAN CONVERTS TO ISLAM AFTER IT "CAME TO HIM."

Legendary folk icon Bob Dylan announced yesterday through his representative that he has officially converted to the Muslim faith because it "came to him." Offering no other reasoning except those three words, the mysterious musician, poet, and cultural figure has long puzzled critics and fans alike with his unexpected beliefs and actions. Followers of his music and life not only remember the times when he converted to Christianity in the 80s or when he announced his unyielding patriotism to America, but also more recently the times he became the president of the Snoop Dogg fan club and when he took only public transportation while doing concerts in Philadelphia. Rolling Stone journalist Mallory Bawdy comments, "This Muslim conversion is the latest in Dylan's stream of jarring decisions and explorations that we have grown used to." In fact, the change in religion followed a generous donation of $50,000 to the Republican National Committee back in October - an action unbecoming of the chief figure in the late 60s liberation and anti-war movement. Following his religious conversion, Dylan will be making a pilgrimage to Mecca in the first few weeks of the new year, changing his name to Muhammad al Tareq, and appearing in a double billing with Cat Stevens in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Although no one can tell where Dylan will go next, Bawdy surmises that the musician will buy twenty coal factories at some point in the summer of 2010 and intentionally release harmful CO2 chemicals into the atmosphere, therefore worsening the world's climate change crisis. This act of antagonism should immediately precede his much-anticipated autobiography to be released next fall.

GEITHNER PROPOSES U.S. HIDE FROM CHINA TO PREVENT PAYING BACK DEBT

After numerous failed tactics at appealing to the Chinese government, who hold over one trillion dollars of American debt, a tired looking Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner announced yesterday in front of Congress that he would like to just hide behind "that really big wall they have over there," and hope that the Chinese forget about the "whole damn thing." America will give up its international dominance within the next decade or so to China, mainly because of the astronomical amount of money the United States has borrowed from the country, and to this, a disgruntled and hopeless Geithner replied at the hearing with, "couldn't we have just borrowed from Bill Gates or something? Goddamn, man." Looking noticeably more fatigued and gray since taking on the position as secretary of Treasury, Geithner briefly lit up when he recalled the fact that the Great Wall of China was the only manmade object seen from outer space. He then argued that Americans can just hide behind the allegedly large wall, and hope that the Chinese get too consumed with revoking human rights or censoring the media to remember the trillion dollar debt America owes them. "I mean, it's an idea, what do you want from me, blood?" the despondent Geithner said with his head resting languidly on the palm of his hand. Professor of American History at Loroy College, Ernie Lish, thought Geithner's plan to be good for the time being, but not effective on the long term. "We notice in history," Lish says, "that the Native Americans used the Grand Canyon to temporarily stave off the European settlers. And that worked for a good... 2 years." The same delay, Lish argued, would likely happen with Geithner's plan. New York Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer disapproved of Geithner's half-hearted idea, and instead proposed that America pay for the debt on its credit card.

NATION’S ATHLETES REMOVE FIRE HYDRANTS NEAR THEIR HOUSES

Since the massive revelation of Tiger Woods’ numerous affairs following a car crash into a fire hydrant, the nation’s top athletes have removed all fire hydrants located around their houses, citing “inconvenient locations” or “plumbing problems.” Many star athletes from football, baseball, and basketball alike have either petitioned their local government to have the hydrants removed, or went around the law and removed them themselves. New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning asked his local county officers to remove the hydrant after claiming that he and his family went two weeks without hot water in his house. “You know, I was thinking, it must be that hydrant right across the street from my driveway,” Manning nervously chuckled, while coaxing his neighbors to join him in his effort. Sweating profusely, Manning begged ambivalent townsfolk for their signatures. According to a puzzled neighbor, at one point the star quarterback got down on his knees and said something about “a girl named Candy.” Cleveland Cavaliers forward Lebron James of the NBA got rid of all the fire hydrants in his town, and even took an axe to a few of the trees around his mansion. “Late at night, it’s hard to see when I’m driving... headlights... and so...” James tapered off awkwardly in a recorded interview with the police. Third baseman for the New York Yankees, Alex Rodriguez, blazed down his entire Westchester neighborhood repeating the phrase, "I love Kate Hudson" very erratically.

AL QAEDA VIES FOR REALITY SHOW BID

According to sources, members of the Middle Eastern terrorist group Al-Qaeda have bombed three villages in Afghanistan last Tuesday in hopes of becoming contestants on NBC’s newest reality show “Real Housewives DC.” The radical Islamist group laid down improvised explosive devices in the three small villages of Towraghondi, Hainrid, and Adghis, late Monday night so that the bombs would detonate early Tuesday morning as the townspeople went about their daily business. Immediately following the fatal explosions, the Al Qaeda members offered their story to the highest bidding news source, and have already engaged in talks with television executives and publishing companies about a selling their story. Malikh al Nafar, one of the bombers, has posted pictures on his facebook of him and his accomplices wiring the bombs in a war-torn shack, planting the bomb behind the marketplace in Adghis, and celebrating the victory in a cave. The terrorist group hopes to contend alongside Michaela and Tareq Salahi in the show which airs in January of 2010.

AMERICA CAN’T WAIT FOR DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

In a recent Rasmussen poll, 65% of the American population cannot wait to take things for granted again on the 27th of November, the day after Thanksgiving. The chief pollster, Stephen O’Neill, concludes that the majority of America can only handle one day of collective guilt and introspection a year. “In the same way it’s burdensome for Americans to be kind on Christmas, it is equally difficult for Americans to admit their dependence on other people on Thanksgiving,” O’Neill says. “So they’re really looking forward to going back to their technological detachment and dissatisfaction with anything that does not immediately please on the 27th.” Many Americans will have to see family members - including their annoying parents who have given them life - and force smiles across their faces as they welcome them into their homes. “It will be rough,” O’Neill concludes. “They can’t wait to get back to cutting people off on the highway and not noticing the existence of those around them, let alone talking to their family.” Aside from the gratitude Americans will have to show to their “loved” ones, they will also have to be a bit more broad and force themselves to speak of what they’re thankful for in general. “It’s asking a lot of me to take a second to ponder who picked the coffee beans for my Starbucks latte,” complains Carol Tisch, housewife from Long Island. “I mean, it’s enough I gotta make this damn turkey, you know, but now I gotta sit back and talk about how much I love the fact that I have a roof over my head, let alone a TiVo.” The frustration crosses generational lines too. Teenager Stephanie Flagron, from Dayton Ohio, expresses her anticipation for the 27th. “I know I have to appreciate all my liberties and rights today,” fumes Flagron. “But Brad still doesn’t think I’m hot, so screw it.” While most Americans on the whole claim that they are thankful for the country they live in, an astoundingly high 98% of illegal immigrants are immensely thankful for this wonderful government. "Now there is a group of devoted, patriotic human beings who understand the true meaning and wonderful history of America's thanksgiving," President Obama stated privately after hearing of the results.

LOCAL MAN UNSURE ABOUT AMERICAN ECONOMY RIGHT NOW

A local retiree from Texas is unsure about the state of the American economy right now. “It hasn’t been in the news recently, so does that mean its better?” the man blankly asked his friend Roger during their weekly bowling night. It just dawned on the man last Tuesday that there is no longer any media coverage on The Great Recession. In fact, the man spent an entire day watching CNN, FOX News and ABC, and didn’t find any fear-mongering news stories about unemployment complemented with images of desperately unemployed men. “Katie Couric didn’t put on that stern tone and scare me with all these statistics, and Sean Hannity didn’t frighten me over whether or not I would be able to afford a laptop for my son. So, does that mean everything’s okay again?” he asked. “What’s the deal here?” The retired man did vaguely recall a brief story reported by Brian Williams last August that the “whole Recession thing was slowing down,” but that was so long ago, that he wonders if that’s still the case. “But wait, I don’t get it, so are we still technically in a recession?” he nervously asked Roger and his wife Dorothy. "Since the swine flu is always in the news, does that mean that that is more important than the bad economy? And I heard that the swine flu isn't that bad, right?" he continued very frustratedly. The man, so distraught because the media hadn't been offering loaded adjectives like "shaky" or "severe", will now have to go home, open the New York Times Business section, and sift through the big words to come to some kind of conclusion himself.

SOOTHSAYER OPINION: DOCTOR O'MALLEY

I'm writing to confess that I am really upset. I've been a doctor now for almost five years, and I'm a bit shocked, and frankly hurt, at the lack of consideration people have for me as a human being. The bottom line is people only come to see me when they're sick and need some sort of treatment, but never to just to see how I am doing. Never once has a patient come in just to talk about the latest news in the Senate, my opinions on Justin Timberlake’s new album, or to hear my opinions on anything other than their health. Now look, I don't mind helping out someone here and there if I can, but really, who do you people think I am? Why must you take advantage of our friendship by barging into my office, describing every symptom you have, without even a "how are you?" or an inquiry about my son's first grade science project. What gives? Just because I have this ability to heal you from life-threatening illness, doesn't mean you can trample all over my kindness by exploiting it. I mean at this point, I'm just dressing up in the white coat and keeping a stethoscope around my neck, just because I know I'll be treated like a doctor, and not the buddy to you I thought I was. Please stop abusing me, okay, otherwise I’m going to start billing you thousands of dollars for it, and neither of us really want that.

STEINBRENNER PUTS 27 MORE CHAMPIONSHIPS IN HIS WILL

Immediately following the New York Yankees' 27th World Series title, Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, sons of the ailing Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, have announced that the long time franchise owner has designated billions of dollars in his will for the purchase of 27 more world series championships within the next 75 years. "Our father's will states that the New York Yankees franchise will periodically purchase twenty seven world championships from Major League Baseball within the next seventy-five years," Hank announced during the post-game press conference on YES network. Although George Steinbrenner was too ill to attend the celebrations, his two sons - now set to be co-owners of the organization - expressed their father's joy and excitement for "27 more." Steinbrenner has specifically requested four world championships in a row through 2034 - 2038, a la the great dynasty of the late 1990s. "Our father wants that time to be a renaissance for the organization just in time for a new stadium that will be built in 2040," Hank told the press. As for the players, an excerpt of the will was released to the press which stated that at least 65% of the team should be of MVP caliber, and no less than 100 wins will be accepted. It states that if the current manager fails to win a championship in 3 years of their tenure, they will be fired. Sports journalist Matt Everest is a bit speculative over whether the Yankees can keep the "New York" in their title after Mayor Michael Bloomberg most likely will purchase New York City after his next failed election and name it Bloomberg.

CONSERVATIVE SENATORS COMPARE BARACK OBAMA TO THE DEVIL

With the upcoming gubernatorial elections this November and the 2012 presidential election inching ever closer, Republicans have been firing criticisms at Barack Obama’s administration in an attempt to label him and the Democratic party as ineffective. They have tried to win the public’s opinion -- in which they’ve found success in lowering the country’s satisfaction of his job -- by comparing him to Jimmy Carter (the largely ineffective one term president), Socialists (like Stalin and Lenin), and even fascists like Hitler. A few conservative senators have amped up criticisms of late by comparing him to the Devil. Senator Mike Johanns (R-NE) compared Obama to Lucifer because his policies are a lot like those of the King of the Damned. “Obama is a deviant, a rebel, from the preceding status quo. In the same way Lucifer rejected God, Obama rejected George W. Bush.” Leading Republican senator Mitch McConnell backed up Johanns controversial statement by saying that Obama’s clemency with regards to gay rights, abortion and stem-cell research are also viewpoints that Mephistopheles would endorse. “The more you look at Obama and Satan, the more these two are interlaced,” McConnell adds, “The facts are there.” More and more conservative senators, vehemently against universal health care and social welfare programs that would benefit underprivileged people, are going on media blitzes to compare the selfish, evil, and arrogant Obama to the Prince of Darkness. The backlash from Obama and chief Democrats in Washington has been harsh. Joe Biden has released a press statement saying that “the next motherfucking big mouth to knock Rackie, will see a Scranton punch right to the jaw.” He would not return The Soothsayer’s calls.

OBAMA CLAIMS HEALTH CARE BILL IS STUCK IN FLYING BALLOON

In a piece of breaking news, President Barack Obama has just announced that a copy of his health care bill is currently inside a silver, UFO-shaped balloon currently flying over Washington D.C. Obama claims that the piece of legislation, a multi-hundred page document outlining the details of his universal health care push, was originally released into the sky, at first, as a science experiment he helped his daughter Sasha with for school. However, now he has begun to alert all major news outlets and the FBI that it is indeed unsafely stuck up in the balloon. “My health care bill is in a dangerous situation as we speak. Let’s be real clear here, it is up in a balloon that was fallaciously built by me and my daughter,” Obama announced at a press conference at the White House. “Although it is admittedly controversial, all Americans must pray that it can return to the ground safely so it can pass in the Congress.” The crisis relates quite similarly to last week’s story about a family who allegedly staged their son’s disappearance in the balloon in order to get publicity for their future television endeavors, but Obama says that to compare the two is “absolutely ridiculous.” The sympathy for this bill's safety has crossed party lines in a show of bipartisan support. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a statement saying that, "although we don't agree with the bill, we certainly join the Administration in wishing for its well-being and safe return." John McCain, Obama's opponent in the latest presidential election, also sent out his condolences to the Obama family. Some nevertheless speculate - including FOX News- that Obama is pulling a media stunt in order to acquire support for his divisive bill, citing his previous appearances in egomaniacal reality shows like The 2008 Presidential Election and The First 100 Days of His Presidency.

YOUTUBE REJECTS VIDEOS WITH STORY ARCS IN THEM

In a story that has caused much controversy since it was implemented last week, the website YouTube, a video-sharing site seen by billions of people each day, has announced that it will no longer accept videos with story arcs in them due to decreasing data space. The website’s admistration sent out a message to all those who hold a YouTube account, which said that, “YouTube unfortunately has no space for any videos which contain clear narrative structures, developed characters, and poignant themes, as they are greatly under-watched by the computer going public.” The quality videos already on the site will not be taken off, the website announced. According to a recent study done by the Panovski Institute of Cyber Research, videos with redeemable stories, educational value or general worth with regards to the enlightenment of a human being is on average watched significantly less than viral videos of infants dancing in front of a television set, 4 year-olds screaming after going to the dentist, or a drunk teenager peeing on a KFC wall while singing ‘O Holy Night.’ Justin Cambridge, chief researcher of the study, claims that idiotic films with no point to them are watched an astounding forty four times more than films of worth are watched. “The upcoming generations are more interested in someone jamming pieces of toast in every single one of their face holes at IHOP than they are in a film that adapts Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment into a 4 minute dance,” Cambridge says. Many factions of people - college film students, media sources, and teachers, to name a few - have protested the ban as clear social degeneracy. “Our society is in a wreck,” says Viv Deloue, professor of cultural studies at the Univeristy of Texas, “We used to be able to watch engaging videos when we sat in front of the computer for 12 hours a day, and now we have to watch crap for 12 hours a day.” The chief executives of Facebook quickly followed suit after hearing about YouTube’s ban, by banning all pictures besides ones that include you and your half naked friends drunk off your ass.

OPRAH DONATES MONEY TO THE WRONG ASIAN COUNTRY

On her show last Tuesday, television mega-host Oprah Winfrey donated five million dollars to the wrong Asian country in the wake of the tropical storm and earthquakes that devastated the Pacific Rim last week. Winfrey gave the large donation to Mongolia, a country located in between Russia and China, which was not affected at all by the natural disasters. Jerry Rozin, head producer of the Oprah Winfrey Show, said “we thought it was one of those Asian countries and unfortunately we donated to the wrong one.” On the show, Oprah shared the story of Septiania Lenianingsih (whose name was shortened to Sept Lenian so Oprah could pronounce it) who lost her father, mother and two siblings in a flood that not only took her family’s lives, but ruined the family’s small banana plantation. Oprah, in tears while listening to the story, said she mourned for September’s suffering and all those in China and Japan suffering from the Asian tropical storm. She sent her personal condolences to prime minister of Japan Yukio Hatoyama which stated that on behalf of all the American women, even though she feels Tibetan rights should be stressed in that country, she sends “her condolences for those dead from the tsunami.” Although no formal reason for the blunder was given, Kerry Geraldine, one of the chief editors of O Magazine, suspects that the mistake happened because of Oprah’s quick briefing before the show due to heavy traffic she faced in getting to the studio. In making up for her blunder, Oprah will send free convertibles to every person in Samoa, Indonesia and Vietnam who lost their houses, which will gratefully be used after the government builds roads.

FILM OF DAN BROWN’S NEXT UNWRITTEN BOOK ALREADY ANNOUNCED

Hollywood insiders announced yesterday that there is a new film in the works for author Dan Brown’s next book, which has yet to be written. The movie will be directed by Ron Howard and will star Tom Hanks as the leading role. Howard and Hanks collaborated in two other film adaptations of Brown’s novels The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons and will once again for Brown's latest novel The Lost Symbol, but they have laid plans to shoot another movie starting in 2015 based on a novel Brown has yet to write. Insiders say Hanks will probably play some intelligent leading man in a fedora involved in some underground espionage dealing with religion or secret societies -- “or something like that,” says film insider Harry Hobble. Hobble says that although the story hasn’t been written yet, it is destined to be a bestselling book and successful film. “I mean, this guy’s shopping list is gold. Brown is that brilliant,” says Hobble. The film, which will be named something like The Klan of Theta or Guardian Bliss, already has a forty million dollar budget that has, among other things, secured the Vatican as a shooting location, which is probably where the book will take place. Although Brown is mostly enthusiastic about the project, he is worried that his novel will be overlooked in favor of the film. “I just don’t want this book, whatever it is, to be in the shadow of the film, as was the case with films like A Clockwork Orange,” Brown said, referencing Anthony Burgess’s novel which was turned into a classic film by director Stanley Kubrick. When asked if Brown would ever cut to the chase and take up screenwriting, Brown denied the prospect saying that he was more interested in authorial integrity, and would never sell his soul to Hollywood. In other film news, film critics have already given awful reviews of M. Night Shyamalan’s next film, which is set to begin shooting next month.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED ELLEN ON AMERICAN IDOL

The sixteenth century prophet Nostradamus has once again predicted the future in what scholars at Boston University are calling the most shocking revelation in historic studies this year. In his 594th quatrain written in 1520, scholars believe that the famed French apothecary predicted the switch from Paula Abdul to Ellen Degeneres on this coming season of FOX’s hit TV show American Idol. “What we have here is simply astonishing,” says Kent Venderklemp, Professor of Medieval History at the university. “Perhaps no other example of clairvoyance is more clearly defined than this. This is truly historic.” The quatrain under the spotlight, written at the peak of Nostradamus’s writing career within months of his 9/11 predictions, vaguely deals with a figure of rebellion taking over the status quo in a seasonal switch. The sentence that Venderklemp and his team focused on reads, ‘And the graceful in comment will be swept by the one who loves women.’ “So, ‘graceful in comment’ here clearly reads as Paula Abdul, who is known for her padded and well-intentioned comments on the show,” Venderklemp says, “and of course ‘the one who loves women’ is a reference to Ellen. I got chills when I read it.” Venderklemp has not convinced all scholars however on Nostradamus’s prediction. Dr. Laura Shemp, professor of Occultism and Spirituality at Juniata College, more clearly sees this quatrain as just another tenuous reference to the cyclic political upheaval of human history. “Even Don Quixote, at least, but certainly not Ellen Degeneres!” Shemp fumed during an interview with The Soothsayer. The FOX network issued a formal press release saying, “We are glad that Nostradamus supports this difficult decision on behalf of the network. Be sure to tune in this season, on FOX 5.” Although most of the quatrain is decoded, Venderklemp and many others in the field are still stumped on what the last line of the quatrain means, with regards to Idol, which reads, ‘The host is gay.’ “Must be some veiled comment on the media,” Venderklemp says, “We’ll have to keep searching.”

REPRESENTATIVE WILSON JUST REPRESENTING NATION’S HECKLERS

Representative of South Carolina, Joe Wilson, rose to international attention last week when he interrupted President Obama’s 2009 Congressional speech by yelling, “You lie!” in reference to a stipulation in Obama’s health care plan pertaining to illegal immigrants. The breach of decorum sparked universal distaste for the congressman’s actions; however, in a recent interview Wilson admits that he just did his job of representing the nation’s hecklers. “My actions were those of a representative. I was speaking on behalf of all those drunk audience members at comedy clubs, crazy uncles at weddings, and inappropriate rabble-rousers all over by doing what I did,” Wilson revealed on 60 Minutes. Wilson cited statistics that showed that there is a hefty minority of Americans who either define themselves or are defined by others as hecklers. “About 30% of the population in this country, has had or even consistently does, steal attention from others during public events, and they have no one in Congress, except for me, to support and serve their discriminated lifestyle,” Wilson said. Wilson also really stressed the importance his actions had on influencing young children who want to grow up to one day be hecklers for themselves. Although not used to expressing gratitude, some of the nation’s current hecklers embraced Wilson’s move. Don Grave, a 30 plus year heckler from Michigan, said, while interrupting an on-site local news report, that Joe Wilson’s bravery brought tears to his eyes because finally there was someone in power who understood what his impulse to rudely shove the spotlight on him or herself. “I thought we would be ridiculed and demonized forever, but no! There is hope for all who want to speak and speak now.” After watching Wilson’s 60 Minutes interview, the Iraqi shoe thrower went out to the public and claimed he was a sales rep for Nike.

MEDIA STILL NOT CURED FROM ITS CASE OF SWINE FLU

After a one week stay at John Hopkins Hospital in Maryland, the Media is still not cured of its case of swine flu. The Media contracted the flu back in April of 2009 when the pandemic broke out, and has been in and out of hospitals ever since. Dr. Lori-Ann Silverman researched the Media’s case and says it has been quite serious and intrusive. “The Media’s specific H1N1 strain is pretty bad. It has been repeatedly showing signs of sickness every 10 minutes,” Silverman says. Lab tests of the Media’s blood samples have also been quite misleading and varied. Silverman’s team conducted numerous tests which at some points reported the flu strain to be weak and on its way out, yet at other times tests showed the flu to be ever-present in the Media. “Just when you think the Media has recovered, its case shows signs of acting up again. You really can’t tell,” Silverman adds. What makes the Media’s case especially severe is that it already has previous medical problems such as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

NORA ROBERTS WORRIED ABOUT ROMANCE’S CULTURAL RELEVANCE

In an interview with Studio 360 Host Kurt Anderson, America’s leading writer of romance novels Nora Roberts admitted that she was “deeply worried about the romance novel’s cultural relevance and social perspective in the 21st century literature identity.” Although romance novels have always been a favorite among elderly or married women in particular, of late, the genre’s overall popularity is on a steady decline as many writers easily burst onto the scene with no other ambition but self-congratulation, Roberts says. “I just got through reading Heatwave by this new romance writer Jill Marie Landis, and there is nothing in that book that alludes to 21st century post-modern fragmentation of our innermost ideals, nothing about the anonymity that technology poses on the human spirit, not even a subtly masked critique of our current government -- nothing!” Roberts fumes with a trademark sense of passion that made her the true living legend she is today. In fact, very few contemporary romance novelists have garnered the respect of the genre’s leading figure. “Georgina Gentry’s To Tempt A Texan was a bunch of ‘look-at-me’ pomposity and cheap unjustified erotica. Just pure crap. Gina Wilkins’ After Hours? I think it should be read after death. Most unintelligent stream-of-libido I’ve ever managed to read. ” There are a few that have escaped Roberts’ criticisms, and one of them of course being another venerable writer in the field Jude Deveraux. “I find A Knight In Shining Armor a mediocre parable on economic strangulation and exploitation in many third world countries. I don’t know if it’s what she intended, but it’s what I got after a 2 year sabbatical in Nicaragua.” Part of the interview was to promote Roberts’ next book Sexless in Seattle in which the lead character, Stosh, personifies the crumbling hope America has in its current government, as he loses hope in his wife Tiffany who is suspected of cheating on him with their mailman. Its set release is October of 2010.

OBAMA WANTS BILL MAHER’S OPINION ON HEALTH CARE

Washington DC - White house spokesman Robert Gibbs, in a recent press conference at the White House, announced that Barack Obama will not make any more moves on health care until he is informed of comedian Bill Maher’s opinion on the issue. The snarky comedian is known for his HBO special Real Time With Bill Maher, along with his stand-up comedy career and recent documentary Religulous. Despite Obama meeting with the nation’s top experts on the issue, Gibbs announced that “without Maher’s all knowing opinion on health care and all things in general, the President will cease to do anything more.” Maher is frequently seen on late-night television programs, gracing American audiences with his often cynical views on the state of American politics and society. Tonight show host Conan O’Brien is thrilled every time Maher takes the time to share some of his socio-political wisdom with the masses. “You know, Maher could be doing other things with his life,” Conan issued over a telephone interview, “but instead he takes the time to come to our humble little studio and put me and the rest of America in their place by shedding some light on issues that America just can’t understand without him.” Although he holds no degree in political science and never worked within the government in any capacity, Maher is a rare talent that seems to almost transcend that type of work. Obama will give him the highest treatment upon his visit and will be listening with pen and paper in hand. Gibbs answered a reporter by saying, “Look, Maher represents the highest beacon of Truth in this country, and without his egocentric hostility which always prioritizes raw fact over fiction, this country will cease to make any more moves.” Maher will also be performing in Las Vegas on Tuesday, September 15th, and Wednesday, September 16th. To get your tickets, go to ticketmaster.com.

AL GORE URGES WORLD TO STOP SOLAR ECLIPSES

Los Angeles - Long time advocate of climate change awareness, Al Gore is now targeting a new issue for the government to combat: solar eclipses. The Oscar-award winning documentarian, Nobel prize winner, and former vice-president has long been an environmental activist, alerting the world of its harmful ways and what humans can do to change the increasingly dangerous climate problem. Since the recent solar eclipse that put much of India, China and other Asian countries in the dark a few weeks ago, Gore urged all nations at a TED conference last Friday in Berlin to play their part in fighting these awful eclipses. Solar eclipses occur every 134 years and often for a relatively very short period of time; however, according to Gore, it is not to remain ignored. “For hours at a time, entire countries - mostly in the Asian continent - are left without solar energy,” Gore warns. “Entire farms are left dark, children who want to play with their friends outside now can’t. We have an obligation to these people to keep the big light on.” In a rare citation of religion, Gore added, “To quote the scripture, in the beginning God said let there be light - and that means for everyone. Just because the sun isn’t blocked on your side of the globe, doesn’t mean we all can’t string together and use our strength as a civilization to help these poor Asian countries fight this problem.” During his never ending quest in fighting all natural events in the name of generational obligation, Gore has acted increasingly stranger among his team, according to David Schmidt, Gore’s team coordinator. Schmidt claimed Gore came to a meeting dressed in priestly garb, and asked to be called “Saint Gore” by his staff. Hillary Johnson, a member of Gore’s staff, recalled having to close her “mortal eyes” when addressing Gore, lest she insult him and have her predestination changed by Gore for the worse. In any event, Gore plans to team up with fellow activist and friend, rock singer Bono, on other projects in the future, including stopping greed in all humans, stopping inconvenient thunder storms, and eradicating anything bad that happened or will happen, ever.

HILLARY CLINTON SWEARS SHE ENJOYS HER JOB

In a recent press conference in Washington, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton swore that she “enjoys her job.” When asked by a reporter whether she is truly happy with her position after running ceaselessly against Barack Obama for the 2008 presidential Democratic nomination, she responded by clearing her throat and then saying, “although the presidency would’ve been nice, it still gives me lots of ... joy to be doing all it is I’m doing.” The press conference followed Clinton’s trip to Africa where she met with the Angolan foreign minister Assunção Afonso de Sousa dos Anjos to talk about democratizing Angola and other small African nations. “I was overjoyed to partake in such a crucial movement to form democracies in Angola, Mozambique and Niger,” Clinton said through a tense smile at the conference. Although Clinton misspoke as Niger was not one of the countries she visited, she salvaged her remark by adding, “well, you know what I mean.” As Obama pushes forward with his pivotal universal health care plans, an issue Clinton championed for over two decades and was hoping to engineer as President, Clinton will visit Belgium to speak at their 27th annual Chocolate Festival. Prime Minister of Belgium, Herman Van Rompuy, will accompany Clinton to the event, and both will stress the importance of Belgian-American relations, along with the long history chocolate has had in both countries. Clinton was planning to join Obama on a trip to China to discuss the relationship between the two countries as economic superpowers; however Obama decided to send Clinton to the Republic of Moldova to discuss federal aid in response to their recent chicken pox outbreak. This will be the first American Secretary of State visit to Moldova in its history, and she is quoted as being “extremely excited to engage in talks with the Asian nation about their, uh, their disease.” Unfortunately Clinton will be in the Eastern European nation during her husband’s birthday, while he spends it in Japan, speaking out against the pandemic of Japanese prostitutes by visiting their numerous brothels.

YOGA INSTRUCTORS UNION GOES ON A MINDFUL, CONSCIOUSNESS-DRIVEN STRIKE

The United Yoga Instructors Union, or UYIU, announced last Wednesday that they plan on initiating “a mindful strike," demanding, among other things, greater pay and better working conditions from spiritual guidance centers and other facilities that employ the near 10,000 instructors. Denise Abaire, the president said in an official press release, “although change can only come from within, we humbly invite the directors of our respective yoga centers to open their eyes and give us the benefits we deserve.” Among the many demands the union is making are paid vacations, longer sabbaticals, and free use of facility vehicles. Abaire adds, “it is only helpful for yogis to have paid vacations to foreign cities, all expenses paid, and stay at first-class hotels, so to help expand the transcendental connection one has with his or her external environment.” The union argues that heart chakra can only be enhanced with full maid service and year round free access to state-of-the-art gymnasiums, and until those spiritual channels are opened, the union has no other choice but to strike. “If our phone bills and internet connection are not paid for, how are we to extend our energy to others in this perpetuating existence?” argues senior member of the group, and 30 year + yogi, Vikram Pratesh. When Pratesh was asked about the use of yoga facility funds for prostitutes, he responded succinctly by saying, "you just lack awareness."

ONLINE COLLEGES DEAL WITH DIFFICULT ONLINE PARTYING PROBLEMS

AP - Administrators from online colleges, such as “QuickCollege.com” and “eDegree.com,” have been citing an unfortunate surge in incidents occurring at online college parties. Cyber-students all over the country spend many of their nights partying on their online college websites, sending each other eDrinks on the computer, singing along to the same songs on their iTunes, and filming themselves on their webcam passing out. “It’s becoming a real problem within our institutional systems. These parties are getting in the way of their education. Each time, they have an online party, it takes that much longer for their lesson page to buffer,” says, Scott La Harfleur, president of “EasyDegree123.com.” EasyDegree123.com students have only a 63 % graduation rate because so many of their students’ education pages never loaded due to file congestion from internet partying. Not only is the incessant online partying academically irresponsible, but it poses many health risks. “You just don’t know who’s in your chat room,” says online college student, Theresa Simons. “Some guy could spike your profile with a virus, and then bring you to another private chat room and take your passwords. It’s scary.” Some cyber fraternities, or iFrats, as they’re often referred to, demand demeaning hazing activity which often leave users humiliated. One such student who wished to remain anonymous was hazed upon entering eAlphaPsiAlpha.html and describes it in awful detail. “They sent me loads of spam mail, which they then forced me to open. I didn't have anti-virus software at the time, so my computer got infected with so many viruses, that I had to buy an entirely new one. They then made me blog about the experience.” Online college presidents across the country, such as Mr. La Harfleur, have been responding with punitive measures which include, but are not limited to, suspension, credit withdrawal, or even forced enrollment into a community college.

FLAMBOYANT GROUPS ANGRY AT NEGATIVE IMAGE GAYS CAST ON THEM

SAN FRANCISCO - A huge upset emerged in the San Francisco area last Friday when an association that defends the interests of flamboyant citizens staged a protest against the negative image homosexuals cast on their lifestyle. The Flamboyant League Advocating and Meliorating Eccentric Rituals (FLAMER) staged a protest outside a Gay Rights Organization building, replete with rainbow colored banners and near-naked men covered in gold paint dancing around platforms in pink thongs and peacock feathered hair. “We do not want our fabulous lifestyles tarnished by homosexuality. It is our constitutional right to choose to wear glitter makeup and tight neon yellow electric pants without being viciously slandered as sinful gays bound for hell,” exclaimed FLAMER vice-president Bruce Manzoni with his wife of twenty years and three children by his side. The crowd consisted of 120 dancing and stripping men, some picketing, others feathering each other with colorful peacock feathers. “I just want to be able to go to a bar with other single men and have Elton John playing in the background without being associated with these demonic faggots,” said FLAMER board member and ordained priest Eugene Obright. Showing his support through a satellite appearance was Texas Republican senator John Cornyn who said that any man should be able to intensely rub his body against other men’s genitals in public restrooms and not be cast as a “sinful homosexual, ruining the wonderful tradition and morality of this country.”

ANDY PETTITE JUST FELL SHORT OF A PERFECT GAME IN THE TOP OF THE FIRST

Unfortunate news came at Yankee Stadium yesterday when ace pitcher Andy Pettite just missed his chance to join the pantheon of major league pitchers who have pitched perfect games in their careers. Pettite was on his way to the pitching performance of a lifetime by not giving up any hits while pitching against the visiting Cincinnati Reds yesterday, but Reds shortstop Rey Reyez shot a single up the middle in the top of the first inning to ruin his streak . With one out and only 26 more to go before reaching the unbelievable feat, Pettite threw a weak slider right down the middle, which Reyez quickly slapped back up the middle past a diving Jeter. When asked about Pettite’s impressive stuff before the Reyes hit, manager Joe Girardi said, “he was going so strong in the first inning. Nothing but great stuff. That second curveball he threw to their top hitter was just untouchable.” Pettite ended up striking the Reds’ first hitter with three pitches, but two pitches later, Pettite faced the red hot Reyez who capitalized on Pettite’s mistake pitch. The pressure was obviously high for all those who were in the field during the momentous 2nd out of the game. Jeter himself had to admit some guilt on behalf of Reyez’ single. “Andy was this close and I kind of feel a bit guilty - if only I dove a bit further, you know,” Jeter said in the after-game press conference. The overly emotional starting pitcher threw his glove when Reyez got the hit and noticeably screamed “fuck it all.” Girardi adds: “You know he must have been a bit tired. After pitching those few pitches, his arm might have been hurting him. It was all perfect till then, so you gotta consider the strain on his body.” Although he didn’t attain a perfect game, he did go 6 strong innings with 3 strike-outs and gave up only 3 runs and 4 walks. “I mean look,” Girardi continues, “he should be incredibly proud of himself. He wasn’t perfect, but at the end of the day, he pitched one of the finest games of his career and, from a team perspective, we got a win out of it, so all’s well that ends well.” In other news, that quote was the first time a sports manager cited Shakespeare since John Madden was quoted as saying, “this is the twelfth night in a row that Manning fumbled the ball.”

NUMBER 2 UPSET THAT NUMBER 1 ALWAYS MISTYPED AT THE END OF EXCLAMATION POINTS

In a recent interview with CBS News, the number 2 was quoted as being “extremely upset” that the number 1 is always the number to accidentally be typed at the end of a long series of exclamation points. “It’s just not fair that in every email that is hastily typed, 1 always gets to be a part of the excitement and I don't,” he confessed to CBS’ Katie Couric during last night's episode of the CBS Evening News. At one point during the confessional interview, 2 broke down saying, “you know, it’s bad enough that everyone always wants to be in first place, the first one in line, or that the first time of everything is so exciting, but now when an email sentence is about something exciting, like a graduation or a piece of great news, I can’t be a part of the fun. I just can't.” The number 2 is seldom accidentally typed since its companion symbol is the @ sign which people only type once in a sentence. “No one, unless inebriated, types @ twice. They’re more likely to accidentally keep CAPS LOCK on for the entire email than accidentally type a 2,” said Sandoosh Vikram, expert in keyboard sciences at Polytechnic College. 2, whose grandfather coined the term “first is the worst, second is the best,” wishes that his future two children will be shown twice as much respect than he and his ancestors have been shown. “We haven’t seen this much depression from a number key since the delete became suicidal back in 2003,” Vikram said, recollecting delete’s bitter jealousy of ENTER and SHIFT as they are used when typists want to create, add, or alter while delete is usually utilized after an aggravating mistake. Delete's suicide email was unfortunately deleted. There was some optimism in 2’s eyes towards the end of the interview when 2 admitted that “I could be a much more irrelevant key. At least I’m not F9. No one knows what the fuck he’s for.”

MICKEY ROURKE TO STAR IN A MOVIE ABOUT MICKEY ROURKE

Hollywood, CA- Re-discovered actor Mickey Rourke, who was praised for his heartfelt performance in The Wrestler, will star in a biopic about himself, Hollywood insiders announced yesterday. In the movie Rourke, slated to be released next summer, Rourke will play the title character, Mickey Rourke, who is an actor/boxer who faded from glory in the 90s but rediscovered himself and impressed critics in a 2008 movie loosely based on his life. “Mick was so stunningly real in his performance in The Wrestler and his audition for Mickey Rourke in this new picture was flawless. This next film will be a challenge, but I think he’s got the talent to pull it off,” says the director of Rourke, James Cameron. “He just seemed to know so much about the character when he auditioned. I’m really looking forward to working with Micky.” Other characters who were speculated to play Mickey Rourke were Bruce Willis and John Goodman. Terry Farrell is slated to play Rourke’s ex-wife Terry Farrell.

YOUR BEHAVIOR SAYS A LOT ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR

Scientists at U.C.L.A. have determined through a series of studies that what you do and how you behave reveal a lot about your personality. “This is the most riveting finding in the field of pop psychology,” said chief scientist of the project Bill Hershee and his team --who have researched everything from what your smile says about you to what your pair of shoes says about your sexual performance -- have managed to really find the exact methodology for all those curious to know more about their true selves. The scientists, funded by a 40 million dollar grant, found that such things as how you spend your Sunday mornings or whether you’re nice to strangers or not truly reveal the nature of your personality. “These results are absolutely astounding,” says 34 year old systems manager Kent Clark, one of those studied over the 4 week research process. “The team concluded that because I never yell and because I let friends crash in my apartment if they need to, that I’m a down-to-earth guy. It’s so true.” Rachel Salza, 59 year old exterminator, was also amazed at the results which found her to be quite aggressive after noticing her inclination to argue with strangers, cut other drivers off on the road, and her four failed marriages. If you are interested in identifying what type of personality, you have, Dr. Hershee offers a few tips. “If you usually take charge at board meetings or like walking at the front of the line, you probably have leadership qualities,. If you don’t talk or socialize much, you may be a quiet person and if you’re have a lot of worries in life, you’re probably a worried person.” For more information on Dr. Hershee’s studies, go to www.thesoothesayernews.blogger.com/UCLA.

YOGISMS NOT MAKING SENSE ANYMORE

New York, NY - The family of legendary New York Yankees catcher Yogi Berra was sad to announce that Berra’s popular sayings, known as “Yogisms,” are officially not making sense anymore. Sayings such as “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore” and “It’s like deja vu all over again” have made Berra’s wit a staple in the American lexicon over the years, but recently, they have been increasingly illogical as he ages deep into his 80s. “Baseball is sardines with ketchup if I jump” and “Twenty five o’clock is Babe Ruth tomorrow” are some of Berra’s recent Yogisms, uttered from his hospital bed in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Publisher Nick Cannon felt awful after he had to reject the ambitious 89 year old catcher’s proposal to publish an encyclopedia of all his sayings. “He wanted the name of the book to be ‘Stealing second base is a church on a highway with fork sauce’ to which I had to graciously decline.” Rejections of Yogi’s ambitions have not been easy. Even his family members had to decline Yogi’s request to put “I didn’t live a life of living with a life of lived baseball” on his gravestone, opting for the more popular, “"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours,” a witty, and also logical, Yogism, coined back in the 50s. When asked about the latest Yankee captain Derek Jeter, Yogi replied from his hospital bed, “Shortstops are like pencils, they fly in tanks of bubbles.” Jeter could not conjure up a response other than “I love Yogi. Always will.”
Yogi’s only recent employment ever since his retirement was being an honorary counselor to the former Bush administration.

JOURNEY STOPPED BELIEVING

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Much to the dismay of their legions of fans, eminent 80’s rock band Journey has stopped believing, according to band spokesperson Gil Straczynski. “After twenty plus years of believing, I regret to inform you that the band members had to stop,” Straczynski said in a press conference in London, which, among other things, announced the unexpected end of their 2009 European tour. Long time members of the multi-platinum selling band, Neal Schon and Ross Valory, both ended their 2009 European Tour with the terse public announcement: “We stopped. That’s the way we want it.” This news was especially tragic to fans of 80’s hard rock, following the death of Joe Elliot, lead singer of Def Leppard, who died last week in a tub of sugar that was allegedly poured on him by fellow band members.

YOUTH GRAVITATES TO NEW ALTERNATIVE ENERGY

SoHo, New York City - With an impending energy crisis tearing away at the pockets of hard-working Americans every day, a new and unlikely group has been speaking out about alternative energy options in the downtown New York area. The group consists of a bunch of teenagers and young adults who all have the similar belief that “alternative energy is the new form of energy, man.” Says 23 year old Alternative Energy fan Kyle Bukowski, “My dad was a big fan of fossil fuels but to me, it’s all the same. We wanted something new... something the youth of today can relate to.” The group of friends, clad in torn flannel, ripped jeans and Converse All-Star shoes, meets regularly at cafes in SoHo most of the time to sit and talk about how their generation really needs to do something about the energy problem or whatever.
When asked why the youth was so magnetized to alternative energy in the midst of expected teenage apathy, Kelly Minton, 19, explains that “it’s an escape from the ordinary energy of the ‘80s.” Dylan Tanner, 17, “really likes how alt. energy really brings the angst and rawness back into energy.” Other turn-offs of the oil and coal industries include the glamor, superficiality, outrageous hair and tight pants of the legislators who support these energy systems - a piece of evidence supported after the National Enquirer printed an article of Senator John Thune (R- South Dakota), a fossil-fuels advocate, in tight neon-pink spandex outside his Rapid City mansion. There are some dissidents among the pro-alternative energy youth who support indie and emo energy.