CONSERVATIVE SENATORS COMPARE BARACK OBAMA TO THE DEVIL

With the upcoming gubernatorial elections this November and the 2012 presidential election inching ever closer, Republicans have been firing criticisms at Barack Obama’s administration in an attempt to label him and the Democratic party as ineffective. They have tried to win the public’s opinion -- in which they’ve found success in lowering the country’s satisfaction of his job -- by comparing him to Jimmy Carter (the largely ineffective one term president), Socialists (like Stalin and Lenin), and even fascists like Hitler. A few conservative senators have amped up criticisms of late by comparing him to the Devil. Senator Mike Johanns (R-NE) compared Obama to Lucifer because his policies are a lot like those of the King of the Damned. “Obama is a deviant, a rebel, from the preceding status quo. In the same way Lucifer rejected God, Obama rejected George W. Bush.” Leading Republican senator Mitch McConnell backed up Johanns controversial statement by saying that Obama’s clemency with regards to gay rights, abortion and stem-cell research are also viewpoints that Mephistopheles would endorse. “The more you look at Obama and Satan, the more these two are interlaced,” McConnell adds, “The facts are there.” More and more conservative senators, vehemently against universal health care and social welfare programs that would benefit underprivileged people, are going on media blitzes to compare the selfish, evil, and arrogant Obama to the Prince of Darkness. The backlash from Obama and chief Democrats in Washington has been harsh. Joe Biden has released a press statement saying that “the next motherfucking big mouth to knock Rackie, will see a Scranton punch right to the jaw.” He would not return The Soothsayer’s calls.

OBAMA CLAIMS HEALTH CARE BILL IS STUCK IN FLYING BALLOON

In a piece of breaking news, President Barack Obama has just announced that a copy of his health care bill is currently inside a silver, UFO-shaped balloon currently flying over Washington D.C. Obama claims that the piece of legislation, a multi-hundred page document outlining the details of his universal health care push, was originally released into the sky, at first, as a science experiment he helped his daughter Sasha with for school. However, now he has begun to alert all major news outlets and the FBI that it is indeed unsafely stuck up in the balloon. “My health care bill is in a dangerous situation as we speak. Let’s be real clear here, it is up in a balloon that was fallaciously built by me and my daughter,” Obama announced at a press conference at the White House. “Although it is admittedly controversial, all Americans must pray that it can return to the ground safely so it can pass in the Congress.” The crisis relates quite similarly to last week’s story about a family who allegedly staged their son’s disappearance in the balloon in order to get publicity for their future television endeavors, but Obama says that to compare the two is “absolutely ridiculous.” The sympathy for this bill's safety has crossed party lines in a show of bipartisan support. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a statement saying that, "although we don't agree with the bill, we certainly join the Administration in wishing for its well-being and safe return." John McCain, Obama's opponent in the latest presidential election, also sent out his condolences to the Obama family. Some nevertheless speculate - including FOX News- that Obama is pulling a media stunt in order to acquire support for his divisive bill, citing his previous appearances in egomaniacal reality shows like The 2008 Presidential Election and The First 100 Days of His Presidency.

YOUTUBE REJECTS VIDEOS WITH STORY ARCS IN THEM

In a story that has caused much controversy since it was implemented last week, the website YouTube, a video-sharing site seen by billions of people each day, has announced that it will no longer accept videos with story arcs in them due to decreasing data space. The website’s admistration sent out a message to all those who hold a YouTube account, which said that, “YouTube unfortunately has no space for any videos which contain clear narrative structures, developed characters, and poignant themes, as they are greatly under-watched by the computer going public.” The quality videos already on the site will not be taken off, the website announced. According to a recent study done by the Panovski Institute of Cyber Research, videos with redeemable stories, educational value or general worth with regards to the enlightenment of a human being is on average watched significantly less than viral videos of infants dancing in front of a television set, 4 year-olds screaming after going to the dentist, or a drunk teenager peeing on a KFC wall while singing ‘O Holy Night.’ Justin Cambridge, chief researcher of the study, claims that idiotic films with no point to them are watched an astounding forty four times more than films of worth are watched. “The upcoming generations are more interested in someone jamming pieces of toast in every single one of their face holes at IHOP than they are in a film that adapts Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment into a 4 minute dance,” Cambridge says. Many factions of people - college film students, media sources, and teachers, to name a few - have protested the ban as clear social degeneracy. “Our society is in a wreck,” says Viv Deloue, professor of cultural studies at the Univeristy of Texas, “We used to be able to watch engaging videos when we sat in front of the computer for 12 hours a day, and now we have to watch crap for 12 hours a day.” The chief executives of Facebook quickly followed suit after hearing about YouTube’s ban, by banning all pictures besides ones that include you and your half naked friends drunk off your ass.

OPRAH DONATES MONEY TO THE WRONG ASIAN COUNTRY

On her show last Tuesday, television mega-host Oprah Winfrey donated five million dollars to the wrong Asian country in the wake of the tropical storm and earthquakes that devastated the Pacific Rim last week. Winfrey gave the large donation to Mongolia, a country located in between Russia and China, which was not affected at all by the natural disasters. Jerry Rozin, head producer of the Oprah Winfrey Show, said “we thought it was one of those Asian countries and unfortunately we donated to the wrong one.” On the show, Oprah shared the story of Septiania Lenianingsih (whose name was shortened to Sept Lenian so Oprah could pronounce it) who lost her father, mother and two siblings in a flood that not only took her family’s lives, but ruined the family’s small banana plantation. Oprah, in tears while listening to the story, said she mourned for September’s suffering and all those in China and Japan suffering from the Asian tropical storm. She sent her personal condolences to prime minister of Japan Yukio Hatoyama which stated that on behalf of all the American women, even though she feels Tibetan rights should be stressed in that country, she sends “her condolences for those dead from the tsunami.” Although no formal reason for the blunder was given, Kerry Geraldine, one of the chief editors of O Magazine, suspects that the mistake happened because of Oprah’s quick briefing before the show due to heavy traffic she faced in getting to the studio. In making up for her blunder, Oprah will send free convertibles to every person in Samoa, Indonesia and Vietnam who lost their houses, which will gratefully be used after the government builds roads.