Monday, June 29, 2009


MICKEY ROURKE TO STAR IN A MOVIE ABOUT MICKEY ROURKE

Hollywood, CA- Re-discovered actor Mickey Rourke, who was praised for his heartfelt performance in The Wrestler, will star in a biopic about himself, Hollywood insiders announced yesterday. In the movie Rourke, slated to be released next summer, Rourke will play the title character, Mickey Rourke, who is an actor/boxer who faded from glory in the 90s but rediscovered himself and impressed critics in a 2008 movie loosely based on his life. “Mick was so stunningly real in his performance in The Wrestler and his audition for Mickey Rourke in this new picture was flawless. This next film will be a challenge, but I think he’s got the talent to pull it off,” says the director of Rourke, James Cameron. “He just seemed to know so much about the character when he auditioned. I’m really looking forward to working with Micky.” Other characters who were speculated to play Mickey Rourke were Bruce Willis and John Goodman. Terry Farrell is slated to play Rourke’s ex-wife Terry Farrell.

YOUR BEHAVIOR SAYS A LOT ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR

Scientists at U.C.L.A. have determined through a series of studies that what you do and how you behave reveal a lot about your personality. “This is the most riveting finding in the field of pop psychology,” said chief scientist of the project Bill Hershee and his team --who have researched everything from what your smile says about you to what your pair of shoes says about your sexual performance -- have managed to really find the exact methodology for all those curious to know more about their true selves. The scientists, funded by a 40 million dollar grant, found that such things as how you spend your Sunday mornings or whether you’re nice to strangers or not truly reveal the nature of your personality. “These results are absolutely astounding,” says 34 year old systems manager Kent Clark, one of those studied over the 4 week research process. “The team concluded that because I never yell and because I let friends crash in my apartment if they need to, that I’m a down-to-earth guy. It’s so true.” Rachel Salza, 59 year old exterminator, was also amazed at the results which found her to be quite aggressive after noticing her inclination to argue with strangers, cut other drivers off on the road, and her four failed marriages. If you are interested in identifying what type of personality, you have, Dr. Hershee offers a few tips. “If you usually take charge at board meetings or like walking at the front of the line, you probably have leadership qualities,. If you don’t talk or socialize much, you may be a quiet person and if you’re have a lot of worries in life, you’re probably a worried person.” For more information on Dr. Hershee’s studies, go to www.thesoothesayernews.blogger.com/UCLA.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


YOGISMS NOT MAKING SENSE ANYMORE

New York, NY - The family of legendary New York Yankees catcher Yogi Berra was sad to announce that Berra’s popular sayings, known as “Yogisms,” are officially not making sense anymore. Sayings such as “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore” and “It’s like deja vu all over again” have made Berra’s wit a staple in the American lexicon over the years, but recently, they have been increasingly illogical as he ages deep into his 80s. “Baseball is sardines with ketchup if I jump” and “Twenty five o’clock is Babe Ruth tomorrow” are some of Berra’s recent Yogisms, uttered from his hospital bed in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Publisher Nick Cannon felt awful after he had to reject the ambitious 89 year old catcher’s proposal to publish an encyclopedia of all his sayings. “He wanted the name of the book to be ‘Stealing second base is a church on a highway with fork sauce’ to which I had to graciously decline.” Rejections of Yogi’s ambitions have not been easy. Even his family members had to decline Yogi’s request to put “I didn’t live a life of living with a life of lived baseball” on his gravestone, opting for the more popular, “"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours,” a witty, and also logical, Yogism, coined back in the 50s. When asked about the latest Yankee captain Derek Jeter, Yogi replied from his hospital bed, “Shortstops are like pencils, they fly in tanks of bubbles.” Jeter could not conjure up a response other than “I love Yogi. Always will.”
Yogi’s only recent employment ever since his retirement was being an honorary counselor to the former Bush administration.

Friday, June 19, 2009

JOURNEY STOPPED BELIEVING

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Much to the dismay of their legions of fans, eminent 80’s rock band Journey has stopped believing, according to band spokesperson Gil Straczynski. “After twenty plus years of believing, I regret to inform you that the band members had to stop,” Straczynski said in a press conference in London, which, among other things, announced the unexpected end of their 2009 European tour. Long time members of the multi-platinum selling band, Neal Schon and Ross Valory, both ended their 2009 European Tour with the terse public announcement: “We stopped. That’s the way we want it.” This news was especially tragic to fans of 80’s hard rock, following the death of Joe Elliot, lead singer of Def Leppard, who died last week in a tub of sugar that was allegedly poured on him by fellow band members.
YOUTH GRAVITATES TO NEW ALTERNATIVE ENERGY

SoHo, New York City - With an impending energy crisis tearing away at the pockets of hard-working Americans every day, a new and unlikely group has been speaking out about alternative energy options in the downtown New York area. The group consists of a bunch of teenagers and young adults who all have the similar belief that “alternative energy is the new form of energy, man.” Says 23 year old Alternative Energy fan Kyle Bukowski, “My dad was a big fan of fossil fuels but to me, it’s all the same. We wanted something new... something the youth of today can relate to.” The group of friends, clad in torn flannel, ripped jeans and Converse All-Star shoes, meets regularly at cafes in SoHo most of the time to sit and talk about how their generation really needs to do something about the energy problem or whatever.
When asked why the youth was so magnetized to alternative energy in the midst of expected teenage apathy, Kelly Minton, 19, explains that “it’s an escape from the ordinary energy of the ‘80s.” Dylan Tanner, 17, “really likes how alt. energy really brings the angst and rawness back into energy.” Other turn-offs of the oil and coal industries include the glamor, superficiality, outrageous hair and tight pants of the legislators who support these energy systems - a piece of evidence supported after the National Enquirer printed an article of Senator John Thune (R- South Dakota), a fossil-fuels advocate, in tight neon-pink spandex outside his Rapid City mansion. There are some dissidents among the pro-alternative energy youth who support indie and emo energy.