OBAMA WANTS BILL MAHER’S OPINION ON HEALTH CARE

Washington DC - White house spokesman Robert Gibbs, in a recent press conference at the White House, announced that Barack Obama will not make any more moves on health care until he is informed of comedian Bill Maher’s opinion on the issue. The snarky comedian is known for his HBO special Real Time With Bill Maher, along with his stand-up comedy career and recent documentary Religulous. Despite Obama meeting with the nation’s top experts on the issue, Gibbs announced that “without Maher’s all knowing opinion on health care and all things in general, the President will cease to do anything more.” Maher is frequently seen on late-night television programs, gracing American audiences with his often cynical views on the state of American politics and society. Tonight show host Conan O’Brien is thrilled every time Maher takes the time to share some of his socio-political wisdom with the masses. “You know, Maher could be doing other things with his life,” Conan issued over a telephone interview, “but instead he takes the time to come to our humble little studio and put me and the rest of America in their place by shedding some light on issues that America just can’t understand without him.” Although he holds no degree in political science and never worked within the government in any capacity, Maher is a rare talent that seems to almost transcend that type of work. Obama will give him the highest treatment upon his visit and will be listening with pen and paper in hand. Gibbs answered a reporter by saying, “Look, Maher represents the highest beacon of Truth in this country, and without his egocentric hostility which always prioritizes raw fact over fiction, this country will cease to make any more moves.” Maher will also be performing in Las Vegas on Tuesday, September 15th, and Wednesday, September 16th. To get your tickets, go to ticketmaster.com.

AL GORE URGES WORLD TO STOP SOLAR ECLIPSES

Los Angeles - Long time advocate of climate change awareness, Al Gore is now targeting a new issue for the government to combat: solar eclipses. The Oscar-award winning documentarian, Nobel prize winner, and former vice-president has long been an environmental activist, alerting the world of its harmful ways and what humans can do to change the increasingly dangerous climate problem. Since the recent solar eclipse that put much of India, China and other Asian countries in the dark a few weeks ago, Gore urged all nations at a TED conference last Friday in Berlin to play their part in fighting these awful eclipses. Solar eclipses occur every 134 years and often for a relatively very short period of time; however, according to Gore, it is not to remain ignored. “For hours at a time, entire countries - mostly in the Asian continent - are left without solar energy,” Gore warns. “Entire farms are left dark, children who want to play with their friends outside now can’t. We have an obligation to these people to keep the big light on.” In a rare citation of religion, Gore added, “To quote the scripture, in the beginning God said let there be light - and that means for everyone. Just because the sun isn’t blocked on your side of the globe, doesn’t mean we all can’t string together and use our strength as a civilization to help these poor Asian countries fight this problem.” During his never ending quest in fighting all natural events in the name of generational obligation, Gore has acted increasingly stranger among his team, according to David Schmidt, Gore’s team coordinator. Schmidt claimed Gore came to a meeting dressed in priestly garb, and asked to be called “Saint Gore” by his staff. Hillary Johnson, a member of Gore’s staff, recalled having to close her “mortal eyes” when addressing Gore, lest she insult him and have her predestination changed by Gore for the worse. In any event, Gore plans to team up with fellow activist and friend, rock singer Bono, on other projects in the future, including stopping greed in all humans, stopping inconvenient thunder storms, and eradicating anything bad that happened or will happen, ever.

HILLARY CLINTON SWEARS SHE ENJOYS HER JOB

In a recent press conference in Washington, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton swore that she “enjoys her job.” When asked by a reporter whether she is truly happy with her position after running ceaselessly against Barack Obama for the 2008 presidential Democratic nomination, she responded by clearing her throat and then saying, “although the presidency would’ve been nice, it still gives me lots of ... joy to be doing all it is I’m doing.” The press conference followed Clinton’s trip to Africa where she met with the Angolan foreign minister Assunção Afonso de Sousa dos Anjos to talk about democratizing Angola and other small African nations. “I was overjoyed to partake in such a crucial movement to form democracies in Angola, Mozambique and Niger,” Clinton said through a tense smile at the conference. Although Clinton misspoke as Niger was not one of the countries she visited, she salvaged her remark by adding, “well, you know what I mean.” As Obama pushes forward with his pivotal universal health care plans, an issue Clinton championed for over two decades and was hoping to engineer as President, Clinton will visit Belgium to speak at their 27th annual Chocolate Festival. Prime Minister of Belgium, Herman Van Rompuy, will accompany Clinton to the event, and both will stress the importance of Belgian-American relations, along with the long history chocolate has had in both countries. Clinton was planning to join Obama on a trip to China to discuss the relationship between the two countries as economic superpowers; however Obama decided to send Clinton to the Republic of Moldova to discuss federal aid in response to their recent chicken pox outbreak. This will be the first American Secretary of State visit to Moldova in its history, and she is quoted as being “extremely excited to engage in talks with the Asian nation about their, uh, their disease.” Unfortunately Clinton will be in the Eastern European nation during her husband’s birthday, while he spends it in Japan, speaking out against the pandemic of Japanese prostitutes by visiting their numerous brothels.

YOGA INSTRUCTORS UNION GOES ON A MINDFUL, CONSCIOUSNESS-DRIVEN STRIKE

The United Yoga Instructors Union, or UYIU, announced last Wednesday that they plan on initiating “a mindful strike," demanding, among other things, greater pay and better working conditions from spiritual guidance centers and other facilities that employ the near 10,000 instructors. Denise Abaire, the president said in an official press release, “although change can only come from within, we humbly invite the directors of our respective yoga centers to open their eyes and give us the benefits we deserve.” Among the many demands the union is making are paid vacations, longer sabbaticals, and free use of facility vehicles. Abaire adds, “it is only helpful for yogis to have paid vacations to foreign cities, all expenses paid, and stay at first-class hotels, so to help expand the transcendental connection one has with his or her external environment.” The union argues that heart chakra can only be enhanced with full maid service and year round free access to state-of-the-art gymnasiums, and until those spiritual channels are opened, the union has no other choice but to strike. “If our phone bills and internet connection are not paid for, how are we to extend our energy to others in this perpetuating existence?” argues senior member of the group, and 30 year + yogi, Vikram Pratesh. When Pratesh was asked about the use of yoga facility funds for prostitutes, he responded succinctly by saying, "you just lack awareness."