AMERICA CAN’T WAIT FOR DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

In a recent Rasmussen poll, 65% of the American population cannot wait to take things for granted again on the 27th of November, the day after Thanksgiving. The chief pollster, Stephen O’Neill, concludes that the majority of America can only handle one day of collective guilt and introspection a year. “In the same way it’s burdensome for Americans to be kind on Christmas, it is equally difficult for Americans to admit their dependence on other people on Thanksgiving,” O’Neill says. “So they’re really looking forward to going back to their technological detachment and dissatisfaction with anything that does not immediately please on the 27th.” Many Americans will have to see family members - including their annoying parents who have given them life - and force smiles across their faces as they welcome them into their homes. “It will be rough,” O’Neill concludes. “They can’t wait to get back to cutting people off on the highway and not noticing the existence of those around them, let alone talking to their family.” Aside from the gratitude Americans will have to show to their “loved” ones, they will also have to be a bit more broad and force themselves to speak of what they’re thankful for in general. “It’s asking a lot of me to take a second to ponder who picked the coffee beans for my Starbucks latte,” complains Carol Tisch, housewife from Long Island. “I mean, it’s enough I gotta make this damn turkey, you know, but now I gotta sit back and talk about how much I love the fact that I have a roof over my head, let alone a TiVo.” The frustration crosses generational lines too. Teenager Stephanie Flagron, from Dayton Ohio, expresses her anticipation for the 27th. “I know I have to appreciate all my liberties and rights today,” fumes Flagron. “But Brad still doesn’t think I’m hot, so screw it.” While most Americans on the whole claim that they are thankful for the country they live in, an astoundingly high 98% of illegal immigrants are immensely thankful for this wonderful government. "Now there is a group of devoted, patriotic human beings who understand the true meaning and wonderful history of America's thanksgiving," President Obama stated privately after hearing of the results.

LOCAL MAN UNSURE ABOUT AMERICAN ECONOMY RIGHT NOW

A local retiree from Texas is unsure about the state of the American economy right now. “It hasn’t been in the news recently, so does that mean its better?” the man blankly asked his friend Roger during their weekly bowling night. It just dawned on the man last Tuesday that there is no longer any media coverage on The Great Recession. In fact, the man spent an entire day watching CNN, FOX News and ABC, and didn’t find any fear-mongering news stories about unemployment complemented with images of desperately unemployed men. “Katie Couric didn’t put on that stern tone and scare me with all these statistics, and Sean Hannity didn’t frighten me over whether or not I would be able to afford a laptop for my son. So, does that mean everything’s okay again?” he asked. “What’s the deal here?” The retired man did vaguely recall a brief story reported by Brian Williams last August that the “whole Recession thing was slowing down,” but that was so long ago, that he wonders if that’s still the case. “But wait, I don’t get it, so are we still technically in a recession?” he nervously asked Roger and his wife Dorothy. "Since the swine flu is always in the news, does that mean that that is more important than the bad economy? And I heard that the swine flu isn't that bad, right?" he continued very frustratedly. The man, so distraught because the media hadn't been offering loaded adjectives like "shaky" or "severe", will now have to go home, open the New York Times Business section, and sift through the big words to come to some kind of conclusion himself.

SOOTHSAYER OPINION: DOCTOR O'MALLEY

I'm writing to confess that I am really upset. I've been a doctor now for almost five years, and I'm a bit shocked, and frankly hurt, at the lack of consideration people have for me as a human being. The bottom line is people only come to see me when they're sick and need some sort of treatment, but never to just to see how I am doing. Never once has a patient come in just to talk about the latest news in the Senate, my opinions on Justin Timberlake’s new album, or to hear my opinions on anything other than their health. Now look, I don't mind helping out someone here and there if I can, but really, who do you people think I am? Why must you take advantage of our friendship by barging into my office, describing every symptom you have, without even a "how are you?" or an inquiry about my son's first grade science project. What gives? Just because I have this ability to heal you from life-threatening illness, doesn't mean you can trample all over my kindness by exploiting it. I mean at this point, I'm just dressing up in the white coat and keeping a stethoscope around my neck, just because I know I'll be treated like a doctor, and not the buddy to you I thought I was. Please stop abusing me, okay, otherwise I’m going to start billing you thousands of dollars for it, and neither of us really want that.

STEINBRENNER PUTS 27 MORE CHAMPIONSHIPS IN HIS WILL

Immediately following the New York Yankees' 27th World Series title, Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, sons of the ailing Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, have announced that the long time franchise owner has designated billions of dollars in his will for the purchase of 27 more world series championships within the next 75 years. "Our father's will states that the New York Yankees franchise will periodically purchase twenty seven world championships from Major League Baseball within the next seventy-five years," Hank announced during the post-game press conference on YES network. Although George Steinbrenner was too ill to attend the celebrations, his two sons - now set to be co-owners of the organization - expressed their father's joy and excitement for "27 more." Steinbrenner has specifically requested four world championships in a row through 2034 - 2038, a la the great dynasty of the late 1990s. "Our father wants that time to be a renaissance for the organization just in time for a new stadium that will be built in 2040," Hank told the press. As for the players, an excerpt of the will was released to the press which stated that at least 65% of the team should be of MVP caliber, and no less than 100 wins will be accepted. It states that if the current manager fails to win a championship in 3 years of their tenure, they will be fired. Sports journalist Matt Everest is a bit speculative over whether the Yankees can keep the "New York" in their title after Mayor Michael Bloomberg most likely will purchase New York City after his next failed election and name it Bloomberg.