ONLINE COLLEGES DEAL WITH DIFFICULT ONLINE PARTYING PROBLEMS

AP - Administrators from online colleges, such as “QuickCollege.com” and “eDegree.com,” have been citing an unfortunate surge in incidents occurring at online college parties. Cyber-students all over the country spend many of their nights partying on their online college websites, sending each other eDrinks on the computer, singing along to the same songs on their iTunes, and filming themselves on their webcam passing out. “It’s becoming a real problem within our institutional systems. These parties are getting in the way of their education. Each time, they have an online party, it takes that much longer for their lesson page to buffer,” says, Scott La Harfleur, president of “EasyDegree123.com.” EasyDegree123.com students have only a 63 % graduation rate because so many of their students’ education pages never loaded due to file congestion from internet partying. Not only is the incessant online partying academically irresponsible, but it poses many health risks. “You just don’t know who’s in your chat room,” says online college student, Theresa Simons. “Some guy could spike your profile with a virus, and then bring you to another private chat room and take your passwords. It’s scary.” Some cyber fraternities, or iFrats, as they’re often referred to, demand demeaning hazing activity which often leave users humiliated. One such student who wished to remain anonymous was hazed upon entering eAlphaPsiAlpha.html and describes it in awful detail. “They sent me loads of spam mail, which they then forced me to open. I didn't have anti-virus software at the time, so my computer got infected with so many viruses, that I had to buy an entirely new one. They then made me blog about the experience.” Online college presidents across the country, such as Mr. La Harfleur, have been responding with punitive measures which include, but are not limited to, suspension, credit withdrawal, or even forced enrollment into a community college.

FLAMBOYANT GROUPS ANGRY AT NEGATIVE IMAGE GAYS CAST ON THEM

SAN FRANCISCO - A huge upset emerged in the San Francisco area last Friday when an association that defends the interests of flamboyant citizens staged a protest against the negative image homosexuals cast on their lifestyle. The Flamboyant League Advocating and Meliorating Eccentric Rituals (FLAMER) staged a protest outside a Gay Rights Organization building, replete with rainbow colored banners and near-naked men covered in gold paint dancing around platforms in pink thongs and peacock feathered hair. “We do not want our fabulous lifestyles tarnished by homosexuality. It is our constitutional right to choose to wear glitter makeup and tight neon yellow electric pants without being viciously slandered as sinful gays bound for hell,” exclaimed FLAMER vice-president Bruce Manzoni with his wife of twenty years and three children by his side. The crowd consisted of 120 dancing and stripping men, some picketing, others feathering each other with colorful peacock feathers. “I just want to be able to go to a bar with other single men and have Elton John playing in the background without being associated with these demonic faggots,” said FLAMER board member and ordained priest Eugene Obright. Showing his support through a satellite appearance was Texas Republican senator John Cornyn who said that any man should be able to intensely rub his body against other men’s genitals in public restrooms and not be cast as a “sinful homosexual, ruining the wonderful tradition and morality of this country.”

ANDY PETTITE JUST FELL SHORT OF A PERFECT GAME IN THE TOP OF THE FIRST

Unfortunate news came at Yankee Stadium yesterday when ace pitcher Andy Pettite just missed his chance to join the pantheon of major league pitchers who have pitched perfect games in their careers. Pettite was on his way to the pitching performance of a lifetime by not giving up any hits while pitching against the visiting Cincinnati Reds yesterday, but Reds shortstop Rey Reyez shot a single up the middle in the top of the first inning to ruin his streak . With one out and only 26 more to go before reaching the unbelievable feat, Pettite threw a weak slider right down the middle, which Reyez quickly slapped back up the middle past a diving Jeter. When asked about Pettite’s impressive stuff before the Reyes hit, manager Joe Girardi said, “he was going so strong in the first inning. Nothing but great stuff. That second curveball he threw to their top hitter was just untouchable.” Pettite ended up striking the Reds’ first hitter with three pitches, but two pitches later, Pettite faced the red hot Reyez who capitalized on Pettite’s mistake pitch. The pressure was obviously high for all those who were in the field during the momentous 2nd out of the game. Jeter himself had to admit some guilt on behalf of Reyez’ single. “Andy was this close and I kind of feel a bit guilty - if only I dove a bit further, you know,” Jeter said in the after-game press conference. The overly emotional starting pitcher threw his glove when Reyez got the hit and noticeably screamed “fuck it all.” Girardi adds: “You know he must have been a bit tired. After pitching those few pitches, his arm might have been hurting him. It was all perfect till then, so you gotta consider the strain on his body.” Although he didn’t attain a perfect game, he did go 6 strong innings with 3 strike-outs and gave up only 3 runs and 4 walks. “I mean look,” Girardi continues, “he should be incredibly proud of himself. He wasn’t perfect, but at the end of the day, he pitched one of the finest games of his career and, from a team perspective, we got a win out of it, so all’s well that ends well.” In other news, that quote was the first time a sports manager cited Shakespeare since John Madden was quoted as saying, “this is the twelfth night in a row that Manning fumbled the ball.”

NUMBER 2 UPSET THAT NUMBER 1 ALWAYS MISTYPED AT THE END OF EXCLAMATION POINTS

In a recent interview with CBS News, the number 2 was quoted as being “extremely upset” that the number 1 is always the number to accidentally be typed at the end of a long series of exclamation points. “It’s just not fair that in every email that is hastily typed, 1 always gets to be a part of the excitement and I don't,” he confessed to CBS’ Katie Couric during last night's episode of the CBS Evening News. At one point during the confessional interview, 2 broke down saying, “you know, it’s bad enough that everyone always wants to be in first place, the first one in line, or that the first time of everything is so exciting, but now when an email sentence is about something exciting, like a graduation or a piece of great news, I can’t be a part of the fun. I just can't.” The number 2 is seldom accidentally typed since its companion symbol is the @ sign which people only type once in a sentence. “No one, unless inebriated, types @ twice. They’re more likely to accidentally keep CAPS LOCK on for the entire email than accidentally type a 2,” said Sandoosh Vikram, expert in keyboard sciences at Polytechnic College. 2, whose grandfather coined the term “first is the worst, second is the best,” wishes that his future two children will be shown twice as much respect than he and his ancestors have been shown. “We haven’t seen this much depression from a number key since the delete became suicidal back in 2003,” Vikram said, recollecting delete’s bitter jealousy of ENTER and SHIFT as they are used when typists want to create, add, or alter while delete is usually utilized after an aggravating mistake. Delete's suicide email was unfortunately deleted. There was some optimism in 2’s eyes towards the end of the interview when 2 admitted that “I could be a much more irrelevant key. At least I’m not F9. No one knows what the fuck he’s for.”