OBAMA TELLS REPUBLICANS TO STOP ‘BEING GAY’

In a not so politically correct blunder, President Obama told House Republicans at a conference last Wednesday to “just stop being gay” about disagreeing with his policies. Republicans, who have been adversaries to Obama’s sweeping health care bill and other liberal policies, have recently been energized with the latest Republican Senate win in Massachusetts. At his wit’s end, Obama told the assembled Republican representatives, “Bottom line, is if you disagree with me, you’re being a petty partisan, so just stop this nonsense. Pass my damn bill, aright?” According to Obama, he has been working too long on this bill to have those “assholes” rile everyone up against him. “I’m not a radical,” Obama continued. “I’m not a fuckin’ socialist, aright? Just stop being gay, guys, and just pass it.” House Republican John Boener, who Obama said, “could some times act like a real douche,” says he does not like the latest line of bullying on behalf of Mr. Obama. In other news, according to the Associate Press, the fact that the Nationals, Washington DC’s baseball team, is the worst team in baseball is symbolic.

MASSACHUSETTS ELECTS GOOD-LOOKING GUY TO RUIN OTHER GOOD-LOOKING GUY’S HEALTH CARE PLAN

This week, the state of Massachusetts elected really good-looking guy Scott Brown to fill late Senator Ted Kennedy’s seat, which now calls to question the good-looking black guy, Barack Obama’s, health care plan. Aside from being well-groomed, strapping, and dreamy, Brown’s face also can speak, and said that he would vote against the liberalized health care plan in the Senate once he took office. Becky Swanson, longtime GOP citizen of Medford, Mass., is relieved that her party finally has their hunky spokesperson. “The last thing I wanted was some old, experienced politician - concerned with stuff like facts and statistics - trying to stop the health care bill,” Swanson tells The Soothsayer in a telephone interview. Conservative columnist for the Boston Gazette, Ethel Tinket, says that “the GOP Senate needed not only a guy you would want to have a beer with, but a guy who could be on a Budweiser billboard as well.” The GOP first started attempting to cultivate beauty in their party with the nomination of Sarah Palin for the vice-presidency in 2008; however, according to many polls conducted, America was found to not want a “foxy” politician, but rather a “dashing” politician - one that can “rip up the sheets.” Rather than antiquated political practices like educated debating or statistical reference, the warfare between Brown and Obama could amount to such drastic measures as who will have the better looking abdomens to show off in the summer time or whose sharp and seductive eyes can convey both “aggression” and “commitment” to the female sex. Boston University student Claire Weinkoff says, “Although I’m an independent, I will agree with whoever looks better in a designer suit.” In response to the incoming senator, the worried Democrats will likely replace Minnesota Senator Al Franken with Twilight actor and teen heart-throb Robert Pattinson, and replace the complete text of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act with a GQ magazine catalogue.

JEWISH JOKESTER EXONERATED AFTER REVEALED THAT HE IS JEWISH

Matt Weintraub, a local dentist from Ginnesberg, California, made an offensive Jew joke at a dinner party last Wednesday. According to Weintraub’s wife, Dora, it was during the appetizers that Weintraub blurted out, “How can you tell a Jewish house at Christmas?” Before anyone could answer, Weintraub answered his own joke with, “There’s a parking meter on the roof.” The rest of the dinner guests, some Jewish, some not, remained mostly silent. It was only until Weintraub, who was slightly uncomfortable at the silence his joke was met with, revealed to everyone that it was acceptable for him to make the joke because he was Jewish himself. At that point, the tension of the room was relieved and everyone laughed hysterically. Doug Faulks, a dental hygienist and co-worker of Weintraub’s, was initially offended at the joke. “My wife, who is half Jewish, was sitting right next to me, and as soon as Matty said the joke, I looked over to her and saw the sorrow come on her face. I was outraged,” Faulks said. “But then I chuckled non-stop once Matt told us he was Jewish. So did she. Phew!” Another guest at the party, a family friend of the Weintraubs, was glad that her moral self-righteousness vanished instantaneously once realizing that Weintraub was Jewish himself. “He could call us ‘kikes,’ so long as he’s wearing a yarmulke, it’s all fine with me!” Although no one at the dinner party was African-American, the group secretly agreed to make jokes about them since, according to Weintraub, no one could be offended under the Code Book of ethnic joke-making.

OBAMA UPSET HE WASN’T WARNED OF THE JAY LENO SHOW

President Obama shamefully announced yesterday at a press conference that he was upset that his Administration wasn’t prepared to defend the country against NBC’s “The Jay Leno Show.” With an Administration already embarrassed with the notorious underwear bomber and other airport security breaches, Obama believes the 10 PM talk show to be the most devastating act of terrorism to slip through his fingers yet. “Not only is this show bringing gloom and boredom to countless Americans every night, but it shamefully continues every night with no end in sight,” Obama said. Like Osama bin Laden, Jay Leno was initially supported and encouraged by the United States, just to later become hated by the American population at large. “We had Donald Rumsfeld shake hands with Osama in the eighties,” political science professor of Utah State University, Maxine Logan, said, “just in the same way Leno went from being embraced to being detested by the television viewing population." Leno’s specific terrorist acts include opening his show trying to be funny for seven minutes, then trying to make America laugh with a skit, and finally wrapping it up with painfully awkward interviews with hostages. “No longer is Leno going to kidnap celebrities and make them talk to him for fifteen minutes. No longer is Leno going to kidnap the attention of Americans. No more Leno ever. The buck stops here,” Obama emphatically stated in his speech. Though his rhetoric is more belligerent than ever, Obama still cautions Americans not to let their fear lead to discrimination. “Let us not fall prey to bigotry,” Obama warned, “Not all Americans with oversized chins are terrorizing American culture."

OBAMA GIRLS MAKE OVERLY HOPEFUL RESOLUTIONS

President Obama’s daughters, Sasha and Malia Obama, have made New Years Resolutions that, according to the Commander-in-chief, are overly ambitious and too hopeful. The girls wished for more quality time with their parents, more friends at school, and a happier life for grandpa, to which Obama asked, “Can’t you just wish for a pony?” With the country in domestic and international dilemmas of unprecedented proportions, the fatigued Obama explained to the girls that wishful thinking doesn't get you too far and then offered the girls their choice of a Wii video game, bigger allowance, or a laptop, but the girls declined those offers, favoring instead what they called more “substantive” and “immaterial” gifts. “The real gift of life is that of hope and togetherness,” the eight-year old Sasha Obama told her father. “I value nothing more than my health and happiness with the family I love so dearly.” Obama continued the bribe offering the girls a new swimming pool, but the girls still declined. Malia argued that she’d only accept a swimming pool if it brought her the core human values that only communion, compromise, and companionship could bring. Now almost a year into his presidency, the hapless Obama has tried peddling, not just his girls with gifts, but Republican senators and Rush Limbaugh. The girls are now used to their father, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sporadically yelling, “what do I gotta do to get shit done around here!? God damn!” “We fear for Daddy’s health,” Sasha told Soothsayer reporter Jerome Fachter. “We just want a change that we can believe in. For his own sake.”