OBAMA GIRLS MAKE OVERLY HOPEFUL RESOLUTIONS

President Obama’s daughters, Sasha and Malia Obama, have made New Years Resolutions that, according to the Commander-in-chief, are overly ambitious and too hopeful. The girls wished for more quality time with their parents, more friends at school, and a happier life for grandpa, to which Obama asked, “Can’t you just wish for a pony?” With the country in domestic and international dilemmas of unprecedented proportions, the fatigued Obama explained to the girls that wishful thinking doesn't get you too far and then offered the girls their choice of a Wii video game, bigger allowance, or a laptop, but the girls declined those offers, favoring instead what they called more “substantive” and “immaterial” gifts. “The real gift of life is that of hope and togetherness,” the eight-year old Sasha Obama told her father. “I value nothing more than my health and happiness with the family I love so dearly.” Obama continued the bribe offering the girls a new swimming pool, but the girls still declined. Malia argued that she’d only accept a swimming pool if it brought her the core human values that only communion, compromise, and companionship could bring. Now almost a year into his presidency, the hapless Obama has tried peddling, not just his girls with gifts, but Republican senators and Rush Limbaugh. The girls are now used to their father, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sporadically yelling, “what do I gotta do to get shit done around here!? God damn!” “We fear for Daddy’s health,” Sasha told Soothsayer reporter Jerome Fachter. “We just want a change that we can believe in. For his own sake.”