NATION’S ATHLETES REMOVE FIRE HYDRANTS NEAR THEIR HOUSES

Since the massive revelation of Tiger Woods’ numerous affairs following a car crash into a fire hydrant, the nation’s top athletes have removed all fire hydrants located around their houses, citing “inconvenient locations” or “plumbing problems.” Many star athletes from football, baseball, and basketball alike have either petitioned their local government to have the hydrants removed, or went around the law and removed them themselves. New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning asked his local county officers to remove the hydrant after claiming that he and his family went two weeks without hot water in his house. “You know, I was thinking, it must be that hydrant right across the street from my driveway,” Manning nervously chuckled, while coaxing his neighbors to join him in his effort. Sweating profusely, Manning begged ambivalent townsfolk for their signatures. According to a puzzled neighbor, at one point the star quarterback got down on his knees and said something about “a girl named Candy.” Cleveland Cavaliers forward Lebron James of the NBA got rid of all the fire hydrants in his town, and even took an axe to a few of the trees around his mansion. “Late at night, it’s hard to see when I’m driving... headlights... and so...” James tapered off awkwardly in a recorded interview with the police. Third baseman for the New York Yankees, Alex Rodriguez, blazed down his entire Westchester neighborhood repeating the phrase, "I love Kate Hudson" very erratically.