NUMBER 2 UPSET THAT NUMBER 1 ALWAYS MISTYPED AT THE END OF EXCLAMATION POINTS

In a recent interview with CBS News, the number 2 was quoted as being “extremely upset” that the number 1 is always the number to accidentally be typed at the end of a long series of exclamation points. “It’s just not fair that in every email that is hastily typed, 1 always gets to be a part of the excitement and I don't,” he confessed to CBS’ Katie Couric during last night's episode of the CBS Evening News. At one point during the confessional interview, 2 broke down saying, “you know, it’s bad enough that everyone always wants to be in first place, the first one in line, or that the first time of everything is so exciting, but now when an email sentence is about something exciting, like a graduation or a piece of great news, I can’t be a part of the fun. I just can't.” The number 2 is seldom accidentally typed since its companion symbol is the @ sign which people only type once in a sentence. “No one, unless inebriated, types @ twice. They’re more likely to accidentally keep CAPS LOCK on for the entire email than accidentally type a 2,” said Sandoosh Vikram, expert in keyboard sciences at Polytechnic College. 2, whose grandfather coined the term “first is the worst, second is the best,” wishes that his future two children will be shown twice as much respect than he and his ancestors have been shown. “We haven’t seen this much depression from a number key since the delete became suicidal back in 2003,” Vikram said, recollecting delete’s bitter jealousy of ENTER and SHIFT as they are used when typists want to create, add, or alter while delete is usually utilized after an aggravating mistake. Delete's suicide email was unfortunately deleted. There was some optimism in 2’s eyes towards the end of the interview when 2 admitted that “I could be a much more irrelevant key. At least I’m not F9. No one knows what the fuck he’s for.”