LEAD DISCOVERED IN TOYOTA CARS

Following the faulty brake pedals found in Toyota cars, federal investigators also discovered the infamously banned element, lead, on the brake pedals themselves. Besides being unable to stop without dangerously skidding, the Toyota Corolla, Toyota Sequoia, and over a dozen other lines have brake pedals laced with the same kind of lead found in many children's toys made in Asia. "Even though the brake pedals are made out of a hard plastic alloy, we felt it imperative to also taint the material with lead," said Toyota president Akio Toyoda. "We did this mostly because we wanted to appear in The Soothsayer website. Very funny satire. More people should read."

OBAMA TELLS REPUBLICANS TO STOP ‘BEING GAY’

In a not so politically correct blunder, President Obama told House Republicans at a conference last Wednesday to “just stop being gay” about disagreeing with his policies. Republicans, who have been adversaries to Obama’s sweeping health care bill and other liberal policies, have recently been energized with the latest Republican Senate win in Massachusetts. At his wit’s end, Obama told the assembled Republican representatives, “Bottom line, is if you disagree with me, you’re being a petty partisan, so just stop this nonsense. Pass my damn bill, aright?” According to Obama, he has been working too long on this bill to have those “assholes” rile everyone up against him. “I’m not a radical,” Obama continued. “I’m not a fuckin’ socialist, aright? Just stop being gay, guys, and just pass it.” House Republican John Boener, who Obama said, “could some times act like a real douche,” says he does not like the latest line of bullying on behalf of Mr. Obama. In other news, according to the Associate Press, the fact that the Nationals, Washington DC’s baseball team, is the worst team in baseball is symbolic.

MASSACHUSETTS ELECTS GOOD-LOOKING GUY TO RUIN OTHER GOOD-LOOKING GUY’S HEALTH CARE PLAN

This week, the state of Massachusetts elected really good-looking guy Scott Brown to fill late Senator Ted Kennedy’s seat, which now calls to question the good-looking black guy, Barack Obama’s, health care plan. Aside from being well-groomed, strapping, and dreamy, Brown’s face also can speak, and said that he would vote against the liberalized health care plan in the Senate once he took office. Becky Swanson, longtime GOP citizen of Medford, Mass., is relieved that her party finally has their hunky spokesperson. “The last thing I wanted was some old, experienced politician - concerned with stuff like facts and statistics - trying to stop the health care bill,” Swanson tells The Soothsayer in a telephone interview. Conservative columnist for the Boston Gazette, Ethel Tinket, says that “the GOP Senate needed not only a guy you would want to have a beer with, but a guy who could be on a Budweiser billboard as well.” The GOP first started attempting to cultivate beauty in their party with the nomination of Sarah Palin for the vice-presidency in 2008; however, according to many polls conducted, America was found to not want a “foxy” politician, but rather a “dashing” politician - one that can “rip up the sheets.” Rather than antiquated political practices like educated debating or statistical reference, the warfare between Brown and Obama could amount to such drastic measures as who will have the better looking abdomens to show off in the summer time or whose sharp and seductive eyes can convey both “aggression” and “commitment” to the female sex. Boston University student Claire Weinkoff says, “Although I’m an independent, I will agree with whoever looks better in a designer suit.” In response to the incoming senator, the worried Democrats will likely replace Minnesota Senator Al Franken with Twilight actor and teen heart-throb Robert Pattinson, and replace the complete text of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act with a GQ magazine catalogue.

JEWISH JOKESTER EXONERATED AFTER REVEALED THAT HE IS JEWISH

Matt Weintraub, a local dentist from Ginnesberg, California, made an offensive Jew joke at a dinner party last Wednesday. According to Weintraub’s wife, Dora, it was during the appetizers that Weintraub blurted out, “How can you tell a Jewish house at Christmas?” Before anyone could answer, Weintraub answered his own joke with, “There’s a parking meter on the roof.” The rest of the dinner guests, some Jewish, some not, remained mostly silent. It was only until Weintraub, who was slightly uncomfortable at the silence his joke was met with, revealed to everyone that it was acceptable for him to make the joke because he was Jewish himself. At that point, the tension of the room was relieved and everyone laughed hysterically. Doug Faulks, a dental hygienist and co-worker of Weintraub’s, was initially offended at the joke. “My wife, who is half Jewish, was sitting right next to me, and as soon as Matty said the joke, I looked over to her and saw the sorrow come on her face. I was outraged,” Faulks said. “But then I chuckled non-stop once Matt told us he was Jewish. So did she. Phew!” Another guest at the party, a family friend of the Weintraubs, was glad that her moral self-righteousness vanished instantaneously once realizing that Weintraub was Jewish himself. “He could call us ‘kikes,’ so long as he’s wearing a yarmulke, it’s all fine with me!” Although no one at the dinner party was African-American, the group secretly agreed to make jokes about them since, according to Weintraub, no one could be offended under the Code Book of ethnic joke-making.

OBAMA UPSET HE WASN’T WARNED OF THE JAY LENO SHOW

President Obama shamefully announced yesterday at a press conference that he was upset that his Administration wasn’t prepared to defend the country against NBC’s “The Jay Leno Show.” With an Administration already embarrassed with the notorious underwear bomber and other airport security breaches, Obama believes the 10 PM talk show to be the most devastating act of terrorism to slip through his fingers yet. “Not only is this show bringing gloom and boredom to countless Americans every night, but it shamefully continues every night with no end in sight,” Obama said. Like Osama bin Laden, Jay Leno was initially supported and encouraged by the United States, just to later become hated by the American population at large. “We had Donald Rumsfeld shake hands with Osama in the eighties,” political science professor of Utah State University, Maxine Logan, said, “just in the same way Leno went from being embraced to being detested by the television viewing population." Leno’s specific terrorist acts include opening his show trying to be funny for seven minutes, then trying to make America laugh with a skit, and finally wrapping it up with painfully awkward interviews with hostages. “No longer is Leno going to kidnap celebrities and make them talk to him for fifteen minutes. No longer is Leno going to kidnap the attention of Americans. No more Leno ever. The buck stops here,” Obama emphatically stated in his speech. Though his rhetoric is more belligerent than ever, Obama still cautions Americans not to let their fear lead to discrimination. “Let us not fall prey to bigotry,” Obama warned, “Not all Americans with oversized chins are terrorizing American culture."

OBAMA GIRLS MAKE OVERLY HOPEFUL RESOLUTIONS

President Obama’s daughters, Sasha and Malia Obama, have made New Years Resolutions that, according to the Commander-in-chief, are overly ambitious and too hopeful. The girls wished for more quality time with their parents, more friends at school, and a happier life for grandpa, to which Obama asked, “Can’t you just wish for a pony?” With the country in domestic and international dilemmas of unprecedented proportions, the fatigued Obama explained to the girls that wishful thinking doesn't get you too far and then offered the girls their choice of a Wii video game, bigger allowance, or a laptop, but the girls declined those offers, favoring instead what they called more “substantive” and “immaterial” gifts. “The real gift of life is that of hope and togetherness,” the eight-year old Sasha Obama told her father. “I value nothing more than my health and happiness with the family I love so dearly.” Obama continued the bribe offering the girls a new swimming pool, but the girls still declined. Malia argued that she’d only accept a swimming pool if it brought her the core human values that only communion, compromise, and companionship could bring. Now almost a year into his presidency, the hapless Obama has tried peddling, not just his girls with gifts, but Republican senators and Rush Limbaugh. The girls are now used to their father, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sporadically yelling, “what do I gotta do to get shit done around here!? God damn!” “We fear for Daddy’s health,” Sasha told Soothsayer reporter Jerome Fachter. “We just want a change that we can believe in. For his own sake.”

BOB DYLAN CONVERTS TO ISLAM AFTER IT "CAME TO HIM."

Legendary folk icon Bob Dylan announced yesterday through his representative that he has officially converted to the Muslim faith because it "came to him." Offering no other reasoning except those three words, the mysterious musician, poet, and cultural figure has long puzzled critics and fans alike with his unexpected beliefs and actions. Followers of his music and life not only remember the times when he converted to Christianity in the 80s or when he announced his unyielding patriotism to America, but also more recently the times he became the president of the Snoop Dogg fan club and when he took only public transportation while doing concerts in Philadelphia. Rolling Stone journalist Mallory Bawdy comments, "This Muslim conversion is the latest in Dylan's stream of jarring decisions and explorations that we have grown used to." In fact, the change in religion followed a generous donation of $50,000 to the Republican National Committee back in October - an action unbecoming of the chief figure in the late 60s liberation and anti-war movement. Following his religious conversion, Dylan will be making a pilgrimage to Mecca in the first few weeks of the new year, changing his name to Muhammad al Tareq, and appearing in a double billing with Cat Stevens in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Although no one can tell where Dylan will go next, Bawdy surmises that the musician will buy twenty coal factories at some point in the summer of 2010 and intentionally release harmful CO2 chemicals into the atmosphere, therefore worsening the world's climate change crisis. This act of antagonism should immediately precede his much-anticipated autobiography to be released next fall.

GEITHNER PROPOSES U.S. HIDE FROM CHINA TO PREVENT PAYING BACK DEBT

After numerous failed tactics at appealing to the Chinese government, who hold over one trillion dollars of American debt, a tired looking Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner announced yesterday in front of Congress that he would like to just hide behind "that really big wall they have over there," and hope that the Chinese forget about the "whole damn thing." America will give up its international dominance within the next decade or so to China, mainly because of the astronomical amount of money the United States has borrowed from the country, and to this, a disgruntled and hopeless Geithner replied at the hearing with, "couldn't we have just borrowed from Bill Gates or something? Goddamn, man." Looking noticeably more fatigued and gray since taking on the position as secretary of Treasury, Geithner briefly lit up when he recalled the fact that the Great Wall of China was the only manmade object seen from outer space. He then argued that Americans can just hide behind the allegedly large wall, and hope that the Chinese get too consumed with revoking human rights or censoring the media to remember the trillion dollar debt America owes them. "I mean, it's an idea, what do you want from me, blood?" the despondent Geithner said with his head resting languidly on the palm of his hand. Professor of American History at Loroy College, Ernie Lish, thought Geithner's plan to be good for the time being, but not effective on the long term. "We notice in history," Lish says, "that the Native Americans used the Grand Canyon to temporarily stave off the European settlers. And that worked for a good... 2 years." The same delay, Lish argued, would likely happen with Geithner's plan. New York Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer disapproved of Geithner's half-hearted idea, and instead proposed that America pay for the debt on its credit card.

NATION’S ATHLETES REMOVE FIRE HYDRANTS NEAR THEIR HOUSES

Since the massive revelation of Tiger Woods’ numerous affairs following a car crash into a fire hydrant, the nation’s top athletes have removed all fire hydrants located around their houses, citing “inconvenient locations” or “plumbing problems.” Many star athletes from football, baseball, and basketball alike have either petitioned their local government to have the hydrants removed, or went around the law and removed them themselves. New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning asked his local county officers to remove the hydrant after claiming that he and his family went two weeks without hot water in his house. “You know, I was thinking, it must be that hydrant right across the street from my driveway,” Manning nervously chuckled, while coaxing his neighbors to join him in his effort. Sweating profusely, Manning begged ambivalent townsfolk for their signatures. According to a puzzled neighbor, at one point the star quarterback got down on his knees and said something about “a girl named Candy.” Cleveland Cavaliers forward Lebron James of the NBA got rid of all the fire hydrants in his town, and even took an axe to a few of the trees around his mansion. “Late at night, it’s hard to see when I’m driving... headlights... and so...” James tapered off awkwardly in a recorded interview with the police. Third baseman for the New York Yankees, Alex Rodriguez, blazed down his entire Westchester neighborhood repeating the phrase, "I love Kate Hudson" very erratically.

AL QAEDA VIES FOR REALITY SHOW BID

According to sources, members of the Middle Eastern terrorist group Al-Qaeda have bombed three villages in Afghanistan last Tuesday in hopes of becoming contestants on NBC’s newest reality show “Real Housewives DC.” The radical Islamist group laid down improvised explosive devices in the three small villages of Towraghondi, Hainrid, and Adghis, late Monday night so that the bombs would detonate early Tuesday morning as the townspeople went about their daily business. Immediately following the fatal explosions, the Al Qaeda members offered their story to the highest bidding news source, and have already engaged in talks with television executives and publishing companies about a selling their story. Malikh al Nafar, one of the bombers, has posted pictures on his facebook of him and his accomplices wiring the bombs in a war-torn shack, planting the bomb behind the marketplace in Adghis, and celebrating the victory in a cave. The terrorist group hopes to contend alongside Michaela and Tareq Salahi in the show which airs in January of 2010.

AMERICA CAN’T WAIT FOR DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

In a recent Rasmussen poll, 65% of the American population cannot wait to take things for granted again on the 27th of November, the day after Thanksgiving. The chief pollster, Stephen O’Neill, concludes that the majority of America can only handle one day of collective guilt and introspection a year. “In the same way it’s burdensome for Americans to be kind on Christmas, it is equally difficult for Americans to admit their dependence on other people on Thanksgiving,” O’Neill says. “So they’re really looking forward to going back to their technological detachment and dissatisfaction with anything that does not immediately please on the 27th.” Many Americans will have to see family members - including their annoying parents who have given them life - and force smiles across their faces as they welcome them into their homes. “It will be rough,” O’Neill concludes. “They can’t wait to get back to cutting people off on the highway and not noticing the existence of those around them, let alone talking to their family.” Aside from the gratitude Americans will have to show to their “loved” ones, they will also have to be a bit more broad and force themselves to speak of what they’re thankful for in general. “It’s asking a lot of me to take a second to ponder who picked the coffee beans for my Starbucks latte,” complains Carol Tisch, housewife from Long Island. “I mean, it’s enough I gotta make this damn turkey, you know, but now I gotta sit back and talk about how much I love the fact that I have a roof over my head, let alone a TiVo.” The frustration crosses generational lines too. Teenager Stephanie Flagron, from Dayton Ohio, expresses her anticipation for the 27th. “I know I have to appreciate all my liberties and rights today,” fumes Flagron. “But Brad still doesn’t think I’m hot, so screw it.” While most Americans on the whole claim that they are thankful for the country they live in, an astoundingly high 98% of illegal immigrants are immensely thankful for this wonderful government. "Now there is a group of devoted, patriotic human beings who understand the true meaning and wonderful history of America's thanksgiving," President Obama stated privately after hearing of the results.

LOCAL MAN UNSURE ABOUT AMERICAN ECONOMY RIGHT NOW

A local retiree from Texas is unsure about the state of the American economy right now. “It hasn’t been in the news recently, so does that mean its better?” the man blankly asked his friend Roger during their weekly bowling night. It just dawned on the man last Tuesday that there is no longer any media coverage on The Great Recession. In fact, the man spent an entire day watching CNN, FOX News and ABC, and didn’t find any fear-mongering news stories about unemployment complemented with images of desperately unemployed men. “Katie Couric didn’t put on that stern tone and scare me with all these statistics, and Sean Hannity didn’t frighten me over whether or not I would be able to afford a laptop for my son. So, does that mean everything’s okay again?” he asked. “What’s the deal here?” The retired man did vaguely recall a brief story reported by Brian Williams last August that the “whole Recession thing was slowing down,” but that was so long ago, that he wonders if that’s still the case. “But wait, I don’t get it, so are we still technically in a recession?” he nervously asked Roger and his wife Dorothy. "Since the swine flu is always in the news, does that mean that that is more important than the bad economy? And I heard that the swine flu isn't that bad, right?" he continued very frustratedly. The man, so distraught because the media hadn't been offering loaded adjectives like "shaky" or "severe", will now have to go home, open the New York Times Business section, and sift through the big words to come to some kind of conclusion himself.

SOOTHSAYER OPINION: DOCTOR O'MALLEY

I'm writing to confess that I am really upset. I've been a doctor now for almost five years, and I'm a bit shocked, and frankly hurt, at the lack of consideration people have for me as a human being. The bottom line is people only come to see me when they're sick and need some sort of treatment, but never to just to see how I am doing. Never once has a patient come in just to talk about the latest news in the Senate, my opinions on Justin Timberlake’s new album, or to hear my opinions on anything other than their health. Now look, I don't mind helping out someone here and there if I can, but really, who do you people think I am? Why must you take advantage of our friendship by barging into my office, describing every symptom you have, without even a "how are you?" or an inquiry about my son's first grade science project. What gives? Just because I have this ability to heal you from life-threatening illness, doesn't mean you can trample all over my kindness by exploiting it. I mean at this point, I'm just dressing up in the white coat and keeping a stethoscope around my neck, just because I know I'll be treated like a doctor, and not the buddy to you I thought I was. Please stop abusing me, okay, otherwise I’m going to start billing you thousands of dollars for it, and neither of us really want that.

STEINBRENNER PUTS 27 MORE CHAMPIONSHIPS IN HIS WILL

Immediately following the New York Yankees' 27th World Series title, Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, sons of the ailing Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, have announced that the long time franchise owner has designated billions of dollars in his will for the purchase of 27 more world series championships within the next 75 years. "Our father's will states that the New York Yankees franchise will periodically purchase twenty seven world championships from Major League Baseball within the next seventy-five years," Hank announced during the post-game press conference on YES network. Although George Steinbrenner was too ill to attend the celebrations, his two sons - now set to be co-owners of the organization - expressed their father's joy and excitement for "27 more." Steinbrenner has specifically requested four world championships in a row through 2034 - 2038, a la the great dynasty of the late 1990s. "Our father wants that time to be a renaissance for the organization just in time for a new stadium that will be built in 2040," Hank told the press. As for the players, an excerpt of the will was released to the press which stated that at least 65% of the team should be of MVP caliber, and no less than 100 wins will be accepted. It states that if the current manager fails to win a championship in 3 years of their tenure, they will be fired. Sports journalist Matt Everest is a bit speculative over whether the Yankees can keep the "New York" in their title after Mayor Michael Bloomberg most likely will purchase New York City after his next failed election and name it Bloomberg.

CONSERVATIVE SENATORS COMPARE BARACK OBAMA TO THE DEVIL

With the upcoming gubernatorial elections this November and the 2012 presidential election inching ever closer, Republicans have been firing criticisms at Barack Obama’s administration in an attempt to label him and the Democratic party as ineffective. They have tried to win the public’s opinion -- in which they’ve found success in lowering the country’s satisfaction of his job -- by comparing him to Jimmy Carter (the largely ineffective one term president), Socialists (like Stalin and Lenin), and even fascists like Hitler. A few conservative senators have amped up criticisms of late by comparing him to the Devil. Senator Mike Johanns (R-NE) compared Obama to Lucifer because his policies are a lot like those of the King of the Damned. “Obama is a deviant, a rebel, from the preceding status quo. In the same way Lucifer rejected God, Obama rejected George W. Bush.” Leading Republican senator Mitch McConnell backed up Johanns controversial statement by saying that Obama’s clemency with regards to gay rights, abortion and stem-cell research are also viewpoints that Mephistopheles would endorse. “The more you look at Obama and Satan, the more these two are interlaced,” McConnell adds, “The facts are there.” More and more conservative senators, vehemently against universal health care and social welfare programs that would benefit underprivileged people, are going on media blitzes to compare the selfish, evil, and arrogant Obama to the Prince of Darkness. The backlash from Obama and chief Democrats in Washington has been harsh. Joe Biden has released a press statement saying that “the next motherfucking big mouth to knock Rackie, will see a Scranton punch right to the jaw.” He would not return The Soothsayer’s calls.

OBAMA CLAIMS HEALTH CARE BILL IS STUCK IN FLYING BALLOON

In a piece of breaking news, President Barack Obama has just announced that a copy of his health care bill is currently inside a silver, UFO-shaped balloon currently flying over Washington D.C. Obama claims that the piece of legislation, a multi-hundred page document outlining the details of his universal health care push, was originally released into the sky, at first, as a science experiment he helped his daughter Sasha with for school. However, now he has begun to alert all major news outlets and the FBI that it is indeed unsafely stuck up in the balloon. “My health care bill is in a dangerous situation as we speak. Let’s be real clear here, it is up in a balloon that was fallaciously built by me and my daughter,” Obama announced at a press conference at the White House. “Although it is admittedly controversial, all Americans must pray that it can return to the ground safely so it can pass in the Congress.” The crisis relates quite similarly to last week’s story about a family who allegedly staged their son’s disappearance in the balloon in order to get publicity for their future television endeavors, but Obama says that to compare the two is “absolutely ridiculous.” The sympathy for this bill's safety has crossed party lines in a show of bipartisan support. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a statement saying that, "although we don't agree with the bill, we certainly join the Administration in wishing for its well-being and safe return." John McCain, Obama's opponent in the latest presidential election, also sent out his condolences to the Obama family. Some nevertheless speculate - including FOX News- that Obama is pulling a media stunt in order to acquire support for his divisive bill, citing his previous appearances in egomaniacal reality shows like The 2008 Presidential Election and The First 100 Days of His Presidency.

YOUTUBE REJECTS VIDEOS WITH STORY ARCS IN THEM

In a story that has caused much controversy since it was implemented last week, the website YouTube, a video-sharing site seen by billions of people each day, has announced that it will no longer accept videos with story arcs in them due to decreasing data space. The website’s admistration sent out a message to all those who hold a YouTube account, which said that, “YouTube unfortunately has no space for any videos which contain clear narrative structures, developed characters, and poignant themes, as they are greatly under-watched by the computer going public.” The quality videos already on the site will not be taken off, the website announced. According to a recent study done by the Panovski Institute of Cyber Research, videos with redeemable stories, educational value or general worth with regards to the enlightenment of a human being is on average watched significantly less than viral videos of infants dancing in front of a television set, 4 year-olds screaming after going to the dentist, or a drunk teenager peeing on a KFC wall while singing ‘O Holy Night.’ Justin Cambridge, chief researcher of the study, claims that idiotic films with no point to them are watched an astounding forty four times more than films of worth are watched. “The upcoming generations are more interested in someone jamming pieces of toast in every single one of their face holes at IHOP than they are in a film that adapts Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment into a 4 minute dance,” Cambridge says. Many factions of people - college film students, media sources, and teachers, to name a few - have protested the ban as clear social degeneracy. “Our society is in a wreck,” says Viv Deloue, professor of cultural studies at the Univeristy of Texas, “We used to be able to watch engaging videos when we sat in front of the computer for 12 hours a day, and now we have to watch crap for 12 hours a day.” The chief executives of Facebook quickly followed suit after hearing about YouTube’s ban, by banning all pictures besides ones that include you and your half naked friends drunk off your ass.

OPRAH DONATES MONEY TO THE WRONG ASIAN COUNTRY

On her show last Tuesday, television mega-host Oprah Winfrey donated five million dollars to the wrong Asian country in the wake of the tropical storm and earthquakes that devastated the Pacific Rim last week. Winfrey gave the large donation to Mongolia, a country located in between Russia and China, which was not affected at all by the natural disasters. Jerry Rozin, head producer of the Oprah Winfrey Show, said “we thought it was one of those Asian countries and unfortunately we donated to the wrong one.” On the show, Oprah shared the story of Septiania Lenianingsih (whose name was shortened to Sept Lenian so Oprah could pronounce it) who lost her father, mother and two siblings in a flood that not only took her family’s lives, but ruined the family’s small banana plantation. Oprah, in tears while listening to the story, said she mourned for September’s suffering and all those in China and Japan suffering from the Asian tropical storm. She sent her personal condolences to prime minister of Japan Yukio Hatoyama which stated that on behalf of all the American women, even though she feels Tibetan rights should be stressed in that country, she sends “her condolences for those dead from the tsunami.” Although no formal reason for the blunder was given, Kerry Geraldine, one of the chief editors of O Magazine, suspects that the mistake happened because of Oprah’s quick briefing before the show due to heavy traffic she faced in getting to the studio. In making up for her blunder, Oprah will send free convertibles to every person in Samoa, Indonesia and Vietnam who lost their houses, which will gratefully be used after the government builds roads.

FILM OF DAN BROWN’S NEXT UNWRITTEN BOOK ALREADY ANNOUNCED

Hollywood insiders announced yesterday that there is a new film in the works for author Dan Brown’s next book, which has yet to be written. The movie will be directed by Ron Howard and will star Tom Hanks as the leading role. Howard and Hanks collaborated in two other film adaptations of Brown’s novels The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons and will once again for Brown's latest novel The Lost Symbol, but they have laid plans to shoot another movie starting in 2015 based on a novel Brown has yet to write. Insiders say Hanks will probably play some intelligent leading man in a fedora involved in some underground espionage dealing with religion or secret societies -- “or something like that,” says film insider Harry Hobble. Hobble says that although the story hasn’t been written yet, it is destined to be a bestselling book and successful film. “I mean, this guy’s shopping list is gold. Brown is that brilliant,” says Hobble. The film, which will be named something like The Klan of Theta or Guardian Bliss, already has a forty million dollar budget that has, among other things, secured the Vatican as a shooting location, which is probably where the book will take place. Although Brown is mostly enthusiastic about the project, he is worried that his novel will be overlooked in favor of the film. “I just don’t want this book, whatever it is, to be in the shadow of the film, as was the case with films like A Clockwork Orange,” Brown said, referencing Anthony Burgess’s novel which was turned into a classic film by director Stanley Kubrick. When asked if Brown would ever cut to the chase and take up screenwriting, Brown denied the prospect saying that he was more interested in authorial integrity, and would never sell his soul to Hollywood. In other film news, film critics have already given awful reviews of M. Night Shyamalan’s next film, which is set to begin shooting next month.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED ELLEN ON AMERICAN IDOL

The sixteenth century prophet Nostradamus has once again predicted the future in what scholars at Boston University are calling the most shocking revelation in historic studies this year. In his 594th quatrain written in 1520, scholars believe that the famed French apothecary predicted the switch from Paula Abdul to Ellen Degeneres on this coming season of FOX’s hit TV show American Idol. “What we have here is simply astonishing,” says Kent Venderklemp, Professor of Medieval History at the university. “Perhaps no other example of clairvoyance is more clearly defined than this. This is truly historic.” The quatrain under the spotlight, written at the peak of Nostradamus’s writing career within months of his 9/11 predictions, vaguely deals with a figure of rebellion taking over the status quo in a seasonal switch. The sentence that Venderklemp and his team focused on reads, ‘And the graceful in comment will be swept by the one who loves women.’ “So, ‘graceful in comment’ here clearly reads as Paula Abdul, who is known for her padded and well-intentioned comments on the show,” Venderklemp says, “and of course ‘the one who loves women’ is a reference to Ellen. I got chills when I read it.” Venderklemp has not convinced all scholars however on Nostradamus’s prediction. Dr. Laura Shemp, professor of Occultism and Spirituality at Juniata College, more clearly sees this quatrain as just another tenuous reference to the cyclic political upheaval of human history. “Even Don Quixote, at least, but certainly not Ellen Degeneres!” Shemp fumed during an interview with The Soothsayer. The FOX network issued a formal press release saying, “We are glad that Nostradamus supports this difficult decision on behalf of the network. Be sure to tune in this season, on FOX 5.” Although most of the quatrain is decoded, Venderklemp and many others in the field are still stumped on what the last line of the quatrain means, with regards to Idol, which reads, ‘The host is gay.’ “Must be some veiled comment on the media,” Venderklemp says, “We’ll have to keep searching.”