FILM OF DAN BROWN’S NEXT UNWRITTEN BOOK ALREADY ANNOUNCED

Hollywood insiders announced yesterday that there is a new film in the works for author Dan Brown’s next book, which has yet to be written. The movie will be directed by Ron Howard and will star Tom Hanks as the leading role. Howard and Hanks collaborated in two other film adaptations of Brown’s novels The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons and will once again for Brown's latest novel The Lost Symbol, but they have laid plans to shoot another movie starting in 2015 based on a novel Brown has yet to write. Insiders say Hanks will probably play some intelligent leading man in a fedora involved in some underground espionage dealing with religion or secret societies -- “or something like that,” says film insider Harry Hobble. Hobble says that although the story hasn’t been written yet, it is destined to be a bestselling book and successful film. “I mean, this guy’s shopping list is gold. Brown is that brilliant,” says Hobble. The film, which will be named something like The Klan of Theta or Guardian Bliss, already has a forty million dollar budget that has, among other things, secured the Vatican as a shooting location, which is probably where the book will take place. Although Brown is mostly enthusiastic about the project, he is worried that his novel will be overlooked in favor of the film. “I just don’t want this book, whatever it is, to be in the shadow of the film, as was the case with films like A Clockwork Orange,” Brown said, referencing Anthony Burgess’s novel which was turned into a classic film by director Stanley Kubrick. When asked if Brown would ever cut to the chase and take up screenwriting, Brown denied the prospect saying that he was more interested in authorial integrity, and would never sell his soul to Hollywood. In other film news, film critics have already given awful reviews of M. Night Shyamalan’s next film, which is set to begin shooting next month.

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED ELLEN ON AMERICAN IDOL

The sixteenth century prophet Nostradamus has once again predicted the future in what scholars at Boston University are calling the most shocking revelation in historic studies this year. In his 594th quatrain written in 1520, scholars believe that the famed French apothecary predicted the switch from Paula Abdul to Ellen Degeneres on this coming season of FOX’s hit TV show American Idol. “What we have here is simply astonishing,” says Kent Venderklemp, Professor of Medieval History at the university. “Perhaps no other example of clairvoyance is more clearly defined than this. This is truly historic.” The quatrain under the spotlight, written at the peak of Nostradamus’s writing career within months of his 9/11 predictions, vaguely deals with a figure of rebellion taking over the status quo in a seasonal switch. The sentence that Venderklemp and his team focused on reads, ‘And the graceful in comment will be swept by the one who loves women.’ “So, ‘graceful in comment’ here clearly reads as Paula Abdul, who is known for her padded and well-intentioned comments on the show,” Venderklemp says, “and of course ‘the one who loves women’ is a reference to Ellen. I got chills when I read it.” Venderklemp has not convinced all scholars however on Nostradamus’s prediction. Dr. Laura Shemp, professor of Occultism and Spirituality at Juniata College, more clearly sees this quatrain as just another tenuous reference to the cyclic political upheaval of human history. “Even Don Quixote, at least, but certainly not Ellen Degeneres!” Shemp fumed during an interview with The Soothsayer. The FOX network issued a formal press release saying, “We are glad that Nostradamus supports this difficult decision on behalf of the network. Be sure to tune in this season, on FOX 5.” Although most of the quatrain is decoded, Venderklemp and many others in the field are still stumped on what the last line of the quatrain means, with regards to Idol, which reads, ‘The host is gay.’ “Must be some veiled comment on the media,” Venderklemp says, “We’ll have to keep searching.”

REPRESENTATIVE WILSON JUST REPRESENTING NATION’S HECKLERS

Representative of South Carolina, Joe Wilson, rose to international attention last week when he interrupted President Obama’s 2009 Congressional speech by yelling, “You lie!” in reference to a stipulation in Obama’s health care plan pertaining to illegal immigrants. The breach of decorum sparked universal distaste for the congressman’s actions; however, in a recent interview Wilson admits that he just did his job of representing the nation’s hecklers. “My actions were those of a representative. I was speaking on behalf of all those drunk audience members at comedy clubs, crazy uncles at weddings, and inappropriate rabble-rousers all over by doing what I did,” Wilson revealed on 60 Minutes. Wilson cited statistics that showed that there is a hefty minority of Americans who either define themselves or are defined by others as hecklers. “About 30% of the population in this country, has had or even consistently does, steal attention from others during public events, and they have no one in Congress, except for me, to support and serve their discriminated lifestyle,” Wilson said. Wilson also really stressed the importance his actions had on influencing young children who want to grow up to one day be hecklers for themselves. Although not used to expressing gratitude, some of the nation’s current hecklers embraced Wilson’s move. Don Grave, a 30 plus year heckler from Michigan, said, while interrupting an on-site local news report, that Joe Wilson’s bravery brought tears to his eyes because finally there was someone in power who understood what his impulse to rudely shove the spotlight on him or herself. “I thought we would be ridiculed and demonized forever, but no! There is hope for all who want to speak and speak now.” After watching Wilson’s 60 Minutes interview, the Iraqi shoe thrower went out to the public and claimed he was a sales rep for Nike.

MEDIA STILL NOT CURED FROM ITS CASE OF SWINE FLU

After a one week stay at John Hopkins Hospital in Maryland, the Media is still not cured of its case of swine flu. The Media contracted the flu back in April of 2009 when the pandemic broke out, and has been in and out of hospitals ever since. Dr. Lori-Ann Silverman researched the Media’s case and says it has been quite serious and intrusive. “The Media’s specific H1N1 strain is pretty bad. It has been repeatedly showing signs of sickness every 10 minutes,” Silverman says. Lab tests of the Media’s blood samples have also been quite misleading and varied. Silverman’s team conducted numerous tests which at some points reported the flu strain to be weak and on its way out, yet at other times tests showed the flu to be ever-present in the Media. “Just when you think the Media has recovered, its case shows signs of acting up again. You really can’t tell,” Silverman adds. What makes the Media’s case especially severe is that it already has previous medical problems such as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

NORA ROBERTS WORRIED ABOUT ROMANCE’S CULTURAL RELEVANCE

In an interview with Studio 360 Host Kurt Anderson, America’s leading writer of romance novels Nora Roberts admitted that she was “deeply worried about the romance novel’s cultural relevance and social perspective in the 21st century literature identity.” Although romance novels have always been a favorite among elderly or married women in particular, of late, the genre’s overall popularity is on a steady decline as many writers easily burst onto the scene with no other ambition but self-congratulation, Roberts says. “I just got through reading Heatwave by this new romance writer Jill Marie Landis, and there is nothing in that book that alludes to 21st century post-modern fragmentation of our innermost ideals, nothing about the anonymity that technology poses on the human spirit, not even a subtly masked critique of our current government -- nothing!” Roberts fumes with a trademark sense of passion that made her the true living legend she is today. In fact, very few contemporary romance novelists have garnered the respect of the genre’s leading figure. “Georgina Gentry’s To Tempt A Texan was a bunch of ‘look-at-me’ pomposity and cheap unjustified erotica. Just pure crap. Gina Wilkins’ After Hours? I think it should be read after death. Most unintelligent stream-of-libido I’ve ever managed to read. ” There are a few that have escaped Roberts’ criticisms, and one of them of course being another venerable writer in the field Jude Deveraux. “I find A Knight In Shining Armor a mediocre parable on economic strangulation and exploitation in many third world countries. I don’t know if it’s what she intended, but it’s what I got after a 2 year sabbatical in Nicaragua.” Part of the interview was to promote Roberts’ next book Sexless in Seattle in which the lead character, Stosh, personifies the crumbling hope America has in its current government, as he loses hope in his wife Tiffany who is suspected of cheating on him with their mailman. Its set release is October of 2010.

OBAMA WANTS BILL MAHER’S OPINION ON HEALTH CARE

Washington DC - White house spokesman Robert Gibbs, in a recent press conference at the White House, announced that Barack Obama will not make any more moves on health care until he is informed of comedian Bill Maher’s opinion on the issue. The snarky comedian is known for his HBO special Real Time With Bill Maher, along with his stand-up comedy career and recent documentary Religulous. Despite Obama meeting with the nation’s top experts on the issue, Gibbs announced that “without Maher’s all knowing opinion on health care and all things in general, the President will cease to do anything more.” Maher is frequently seen on late-night television programs, gracing American audiences with his often cynical views on the state of American politics and society. Tonight show host Conan O’Brien is thrilled every time Maher takes the time to share some of his socio-political wisdom with the masses. “You know, Maher could be doing other things with his life,” Conan issued over a telephone interview, “but instead he takes the time to come to our humble little studio and put me and the rest of America in their place by shedding some light on issues that America just can’t understand without him.” Although he holds no degree in political science and never worked within the government in any capacity, Maher is a rare talent that seems to almost transcend that type of work. Obama will give him the highest treatment upon his visit and will be listening with pen and paper in hand. Gibbs answered a reporter by saying, “Look, Maher represents the highest beacon of Truth in this country, and without his egocentric hostility which always prioritizes raw fact over fiction, this country will cease to make any more moves.” Maher will also be performing in Las Vegas on Tuesday, September 15th, and Wednesday, September 16th. To get your tickets, go to ticketmaster.com.

AL GORE URGES WORLD TO STOP SOLAR ECLIPSES

Los Angeles - Long time advocate of climate change awareness, Al Gore is now targeting a new issue for the government to combat: solar eclipses. The Oscar-award winning documentarian, Nobel prize winner, and former vice-president has long been an environmental activist, alerting the world of its harmful ways and what humans can do to change the increasingly dangerous climate problem. Since the recent solar eclipse that put much of India, China and other Asian countries in the dark a few weeks ago, Gore urged all nations at a TED conference last Friday in Berlin to play their part in fighting these awful eclipses. Solar eclipses occur every 134 years and often for a relatively very short period of time; however, according to Gore, it is not to remain ignored. “For hours at a time, entire countries - mostly in the Asian continent - are left without solar energy,” Gore warns. “Entire farms are left dark, children who want to play with their friends outside now can’t. We have an obligation to these people to keep the big light on.” In a rare citation of religion, Gore added, “To quote the scripture, in the beginning God said let there be light - and that means for everyone. Just because the sun isn’t blocked on your side of the globe, doesn’t mean we all can’t string together and use our strength as a civilization to help these poor Asian countries fight this problem.” During his never ending quest in fighting all natural events in the name of generational obligation, Gore has acted increasingly stranger among his team, according to David Schmidt, Gore’s team coordinator. Schmidt claimed Gore came to a meeting dressed in priestly garb, and asked to be called “Saint Gore” by his staff. Hillary Johnson, a member of Gore’s staff, recalled having to close her “mortal eyes” when addressing Gore, lest she insult him and have her predestination changed by Gore for the worse. In any event, Gore plans to team up with fellow activist and friend, rock singer Bono, on other projects in the future, including stopping greed in all humans, stopping inconvenient thunder storms, and eradicating anything bad that happened or will happen, ever.