BOB DYLAN CONVERTS TO ISLAM AFTER IT "CAME TO HIM."

Legendary folk icon Bob Dylan announced yesterday through his representative that he has officially converted to the Muslim faith because it "came to him." Offering no other reasoning except those three words, the mysterious musician, poet, and cultural figure has long puzzled critics and fans alike with his unexpected beliefs and actions. Followers of his music and life not only remember the times when he converted to Christianity in the 80s or when he announced his unyielding patriotism to America, but also more recently the times he became the president of the Snoop Dogg fan club and when he took only public transportation while doing concerts in Philadelphia. Rolling Stone journalist Mallory Bawdy comments, "This Muslim conversion is the latest in Dylan's stream of jarring decisions and explorations that we have grown used to." In fact, the change in religion followed a generous donation of $50,000 to the Republican National Committee back in October - an action unbecoming of the chief figure in the late 60s liberation and anti-war movement. Following his religious conversion, Dylan will be making a pilgrimage to Mecca in the first few weeks of the new year, changing his name to Muhammad al Tareq, and appearing in a double billing with Cat Stevens in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Although no one can tell where Dylan will go next, Bawdy surmises that the musician will buy twenty coal factories at some point in the summer of 2010 and intentionally release harmful CO2 chemicals into the atmosphere, therefore worsening the world's climate change crisis. This act of antagonism should immediately precede his much-anticipated autobiography to be released next fall.

GEITHNER PROPOSES U.S. HIDE FROM CHINA TO PREVENT PAYING BACK DEBT

After numerous failed tactics at appealing to the Chinese government, who hold over one trillion dollars of American debt, a tired looking Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner announced yesterday in front of Congress that he would like to just hide behind "that really big wall they have over there," and hope that the Chinese forget about the "whole damn thing." America will give up its international dominance within the next decade or so to China, mainly because of the astronomical amount of money the United States has borrowed from the country, and to this, a disgruntled and hopeless Geithner replied at the hearing with, "couldn't we have just borrowed from Bill Gates or something? Goddamn, man." Looking noticeably more fatigued and gray since taking on the position as secretary of Treasury, Geithner briefly lit up when he recalled the fact that the Great Wall of China was the only manmade object seen from outer space. He then argued that Americans can just hide behind the allegedly large wall, and hope that the Chinese get too consumed with revoking human rights or censoring the media to remember the trillion dollar debt America owes them. "I mean, it's an idea, what do you want from me, blood?" the despondent Geithner said with his head resting languidly on the palm of his hand. Professor of American History at Loroy College, Ernie Lish, thought Geithner's plan to be good for the time being, but not effective on the long term. "We notice in history," Lish says, "that the Native Americans used the Grand Canyon to temporarily stave off the European settlers. And that worked for a good... 2 years." The same delay, Lish argued, would likely happen with Geithner's plan. New York Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer disapproved of Geithner's half-hearted idea, and instead proposed that America pay for the debt on its credit card.

NATION’S ATHLETES REMOVE FIRE HYDRANTS NEAR THEIR HOUSES

Since the massive revelation of Tiger Woods’ numerous affairs following a car crash into a fire hydrant, the nation’s top athletes have removed all fire hydrants located around their houses, citing “inconvenient locations” or “plumbing problems.” Many star athletes from football, baseball, and basketball alike have either petitioned their local government to have the hydrants removed, or went around the law and removed them themselves. New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning asked his local county officers to remove the hydrant after claiming that he and his family went two weeks without hot water in his house. “You know, I was thinking, it must be that hydrant right across the street from my driveway,” Manning nervously chuckled, while coaxing his neighbors to join him in his effort. Sweating profusely, Manning begged ambivalent townsfolk for their signatures. According to a puzzled neighbor, at one point the star quarterback got down on his knees and said something about “a girl named Candy.” Cleveland Cavaliers forward Lebron James of the NBA got rid of all the fire hydrants in his town, and even took an axe to a few of the trees around his mansion. “Late at night, it’s hard to see when I’m driving... headlights... and so...” James tapered off awkwardly in a recorded interview with the police. Third baseman for the New York Yankees, Alex Rodriguez, blazed down his entire Westchester neighborhood repeating the phrase, "I love Kate Hudson" very erratically.

AL QAEDA VIES FOR REALITY SHOW BID

According to sources, members of the Middle Eastern terrorist group Al-Qaeda have bombed three villages in Afghanistan last Tuesday in hopes of becoming contestants on NBC’s newest reality show “Real Housewives DC.” The radical Islamist group laid down improvised explosive devices in the three small villages of Towraghondi, Hainrid, and Adghis, late Monday night so that the bombs would detonate early Tuesday morning as the townspeople went about their daily business. Immediately following the fatal explosions, the Al Qaeda members offered their story to the highest bidding news source, and have already engaged in talks with television executives and publishing companies about a selling their story. Malikh al Nafar, one of the bombers, has posted pictures on his facebook of him and his accomplices wiring the bombs in a war-torn shack, planting the bomb behind the marketplace in Adghis, and celebrating the victory in a cave. The terrorist group hopes to contend alongside Michaela and Tareq Salahi in the show which airs in January of 2010.

AMERICA CAN’T WAIT FOR DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

In a recent Rasmussen poll, 65% of the American population cannot wait to take things for granted again on the 27th of November, the day after Thanksgiving. The chief pollster, Stephen O’Neill, concludes that the majority of America can only handle one day of collective guilt and introspection a year. “In the same way it’s burdensome for Americans to be kind on Christmas, it is equally difficult for Americans to admit their dependence on other people on Thanksgiving,” O’Neill says. “So they’re really looking forward to going back to their technological detachment and dissatisfaction with anything that does not immediately please on the 27th.” Many Americans will have to see family members - including their annoying parents who have given them life - and force smiles across their faces as they welcome them into their homes. “It will be rough,” O’Neill concludes. “They can’t wait to get back to cutting people off on the highway and not noticing the existence of those around them, let alone talking to their family.” Aside from the gratitude Americans will have to show to their “loved” ones, they will also have to be a bit more broad and force themselves to speak of what they’re thankful for in general. “It’s asking a lot of me to take a second to ponder who picked the coffee beans for my Starbucks latte,” complains Carol Tisch, housewife from Long Island. “I mean, it’s enough I gotta make this damn turkey, you know, but now I gotta sit back and talk about how much I love the fact that I have a roof over my head, let alone a TiVo.” The frustration crosses generational lines too. Teenager Stephanie Flagron, from Dayton Ohio, expresses her anticipation for the 27th. “I know I have to appreciate all my liberties and rights today,” fumes Flagron. “But Brad still doesn’t think I’m hot, so screw it.” While most Americans on the whole claim that they are thankful for the country they live in, an astoundingly high 98% of illegal immigrants are immensely thankful for this wonderful government. "Now there is a group of devoted, patriotic human beings who understand the true meaning and wonderful history of America's thanksgiving," President Obama stated privately after hearing of the results.

LOCAL MAN UNSURE ABOUT AMERICAN ECONOMY RIGHT NOW

A local retiree from Texas is unsure about the state of the American economy right now. “It hasn’t been in the news recently, so does that mean its better?” the man blankly asked his friend Roger during their weekly bowling night. It just dawned on the man last Tuesday that there is no longer any media coverage on The Great Recession. In fact, the man spent an entire day watching CNN, FOX News and ABC, and didn’t find any fear-mongering news stories about unemployment complemented with images of desperately unemployed men. “Katie Couric didn’t put on that stern tone and scare me with all these statistics, and Sean Hannity didn’t frighten me over whether or not I would be able to afford a laptop for my son. So, does that mean everything’s okay again?” he asked. “What’s the deal here?” The retired man did vaguely recall a brief story reported by Brian Williams last August that the “whole Recession thing was slowing down,” but that was so long ago, that he wonders if that’s still the case. “But wait, I don’t get it, so are we still technically in a recession?” he nervously asked Roger and his wife Dorothy. "Since the swine flu is always in the news, does that mean that that is more important than the bad economy? And I heard that the swine flu isn't that bad, right?" he continued very frustratedly. The man, so distraught because the media hadn't been offering loaded adjectives like "shaky" or "severe", will now have to go home, open the New York Times Business section, and sift through the big words to come to some kind of conclusion himself.

SOOTHSAYER OPINION: DOCTOR O'MALLEY

I'm writing to confess that I am really upset. I've been a doctor now for almost five years, and I'm a bit shocked, and frankly hurt, at the lack of consideration people have for me as a human being. The bottom line is people only come to see me when they're sick and need some sort of treatment, but never to just to see how I am doing. Never once has a patient come in just to talk about the latest news in the Senate, my opinions on Justin Timberlake’s new album, or to hear my opinions on anything other than their health. Now look, I don't mind helping out someone here and there if I can, but really, who do you people think I am? Why must you take advantage of our friendship by barging into my office, describing every symptom you have, without even a "how are you?" or an inquiry about my son's first grade science project. What gives? Just because I have this ability to heal you from life-threatening illness, doesn't mean you can trample all over my kindness by exploiting it. I mean at this point, I'm just dressing up in the white coat and keeping a stethoscope around my neck, just because I know I'll be treated like a doctor, and not the buddy to you I thought I was. Please stop abusing me, okay, otherwise I’m going to start billing you thousands of dollars for it, and neither of us really want that.